What If This Was the Depresh?

The past year has been hard. Hell, the past two years have been hard. Mostly emotionally (at least for me), but physically for Hubby. I’ve worried about his health. I’ve worried about his paycheck. I’ve worried about our finances. I dealt with the loss of a beloved pet. It’s been a roller-coaster of things are horrible then things are better then things kind of suck then things are okay then WTF is happening??? I think last winter, I just kind of checked out… I had to come to grips with the death of Clover just a few months after realizing that there was a possibility that Hubby simply no longer cared about his own medical issues and wasn’t going to do anything about it, thus making me face some deep truths about the change of losing him far too soon. 

The new year came around, and I was just… existing? I don’t know how to really qualify what I was feeling. I just didn’t give a single shit about anything. I wasn’t in a good mood, I wasn’t in a bad mood, I was just moving throughout my daily life like I was in a fog. I didn’t have any motivation to do anything fun or new. I used Hubby’s issues as a way to skip a lot of things that I should have been doing (like parkrun, gym, shopping, etc). I was moving from one day to another with blinders on, just doing daily tasks because I had to, not because I wanted to. Thinking about it now, I feel like there are large swaths of time that I cannot differentiate between other times, like all of January is a blur. 

A few weeks ago, Hubby was able to get back to work, and (knock on wood) things seem to be getting back to “normal,” or at least our version of normal. I take him to work, which means that I have no excuse not to go to the gym. So I’ve been going back to the gym. And I’ve been going back to parkrun. And we’ve been eating better on a normal dinner-time schedule. And we’ve been sleeping better. 

And I began to wonder…

Did I just make it to the other side of depression? Like, is that a thing that you can suffer from and then get better, without the help of anyone else or meds or anything? 

According to SAMHSA (Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration), there are multiple types of Depression. I feel like, if actually diagnosed, I’d fall in “Major Depressive Disorder” or “Persistent Depressive Disorder.” To be diagnosed with any type of depression, doctors say that a person would need to have symptom(s) every day for at least two weeks. I looked over the long list, and I saw many symptoms that hit home, including: 

Continuous low mood or sadness

The amount of times I’ve caught myself walking around the house, or sitting on the couch, and just letting out a huge sigh for absolutely no reason is massive, so I can imagine that there were plenty of times I did it and didn’t hear myself.

Feeling hopeless or helpless

I can’t really put a concrete example for this, but I know I felt it… It was more of a I suck at X so why do I even bother? kind of feeling. I'd randomly look at my messy house, or slow run time, and just feel... stuck... like I can't change anything.

Feeling irritable and intolerant of others

This being a symptom caught me off-guard, because it happened a lot and I just thought that I was being bitchy. But oh yeah, this was a big one. I’d snip at Hubby. I’d yell at people in other cars while I was driving. I’d make snide comments about my coworkers. I'd attack people online. 

Having no motivation or interest in things

I was perfectly content to watch YouTube videos and read Reddit for hours at a time. I didn’t want to read a book, or go to the park, or do anything new. I didn't want to clean the house or cook dinner or bake cookies. I wanted to fart around and do nothing. 

Not taking care of yourself (not showering, not cleaning your living space)

This is actually the symptom that made me look into what was wrong with me… Eh fuck it, I’ll shower tomorrow was said many-a time in my head. Who cared what I looked like, especially if I was going to work from home the next day. Or, I could just wear pants to work instead of shaving. Or, I could just put my hair up instead of washing it so it looks fresh and curly. And I didn’t care that my home office was a hot mess, my kitchen was nasty, or that the backseat of my car was covered with random jackets and hoodies. I didn't take into account that my husband deserved clean home and a wife that smelled nice. I didn't take into account that my coworkers deserved a put-together employee. I didn't take into account that *I* deserved to be clean and surrounded by cleanliness. 

Not getting any enjoyment out of life

Looking back now, there hasn’t been a lot of smiling and laughing, and I love laughing. You know that “heh” smile you give people when they show you something that they find hilarious, but you don’t? Yeah, I feel like I did that a lot.

Changes in appetite (decreased, not wanting to eat)

This is another surprise, but I totally see it… I love junk food. I have an entire shelf in the dining room dedicated solely to my junk food. I was organizing our pantry over the weekend, and I realized that my shelf was overflowing with tons of snacks that I’m just hadn't been eating… none of it calls to me, none of it looks good. Some of it just requires too much effort (like opening a bag of chips is too much work, because then I’ll have to find a container to put it in so it doesn’t go bad… so I just don’t open it). 

Unexplained aches and pains

UNexplained? Maybe yes, maybe no… Have I felt extremely achy over the past few months? Yes. Is it simply because of this, or because I’ve been sitting on my ass for hours on end instead of taking care of myself, because of this? I don’t know.  

Lack of energy

Same as above, really… Am I drained simply because of depression, or because I sit on my ass for hours (a body at rest will remain at rest, and all that)… I don’t know.

Loss of libido

So, I didn’t think of this either! TMI, but we’ve not been intimate for months and months and months… Sometimes I’d be in the mood, but he’d be in pain. Then he’d be in the mood, but I felt like ass. I haven’t felt “sexy” in months.

Disturbed or Disordered Sleep (hard to fall asleep, stay asleep, or waking up very early)

There was a stretch of time around the beginning of the year when this was a problem. I’d be awake until 11pm at least, with a racing brain, then I’d sleep like death until around 3am, wake up to pee, then be awake again for an hour. There’d be many mornings that I’d wake up at 5:30am or so, and just stare at the ceiling until the alarm with off 45 minutes later

Neglecting hobbies or interests

I’d been calling this “lack of willpower” but I think now it’s something deeper. If I had no concrete reason to be awake at 7am, I was skipping gym and parkrun.  I haven’t gone out on a trail (for walking) in forever. I didn’t care about this blog or our YouTube video (making or editing) - I have five videos just sitting on my hard drive right now, waiting for me to edit and post them. I haven’t baked anything delicious because it’s just too much… I didn’t even really make Christmas cookies this year! I haven’t read a book in months because I just don’t care. 

Avoiding contact with friends or social activities

Most of my friends and social activities revolve around parkrun, and there were plenty of weeks where I just skipped out on going, or skipped the after-event coffee, so that I didn’t have to be social.

Thankfully, I never had more serious symptoms, like thoughts of death and suicide, attempting suicide, or any sort of self-harm behaviors. 

I found this bit of information especially interesting… Depression often hurts physically as well as emotionally, because the same biochemicals that influence your mood also affect how your body affects pain. Things like headaches, back pain, muscle aches, digestive problems, fatigue, sleeping problems, lightheadedness, or changes in appetite may all be due to depression. 

Depression can often come on gradually, so it can be difficult to notice that something is wrong, which is probably why I can only see it, in hindsight. While I was dealing with it, I just felt like I was moving through a pool of maple syrup or something. Depression is a compounding problem. Just feeling down, or just feeling irritable isn’t a huge deal. But behaviors + thoughts + feelings + physical symptoms can all interact and combine to keep depression going, making it harder to overcome. It’s a big nasty snowball that just rolls over you. 

If I’d reached out for help, my doctor would probably have started with a few different options, including self-help, talking therapies, and medicine. If depression seems mild (like mine), a wait and see approach may be the best option, to see if it resolves itself. Doctors or therapists may suggest guided self-help like a workbook or online course. Probably something like HeadSpace (which I hate). 

Ironically, there is a lot of evidence that exercise can help depression, and it’s one of the main treatments for mild depression… But if you see above, many of my symptoms include me skipping out on exercise or parkrun! 

Another lifestyle “treatment” is setting small, achievable goals; setting realistic goals to build confidence and motivation, such as making your bed, taking a walk, or doing a load of dishes. I began to notice I subconsciously did this – and felt better when I did the task. I would often set a goal of doing a simple load of dishes or finishing a load of laundry. They were easy tasks that I needed to do, and completing them made me feel accomplished, like I “did something” that day. 

So, in the past few weeks, I think I have unconsciously pulled myself out of a bout of depression I didn’t even know I was in? I feel like getting back into a daily routine has given me structure in my day to do what I used to do, which is what has pulled me above water. Like, I can’t skip the gym, because I have to take him to work anyway, and if I go directly home, he’ll get a notification from the safety alarm that I went home at 7am, and he’ll know I’m a quitter. He wouldn’t give a shit if I went home. I know he wouldn’t give a shit if I went home. But, in my head, him knowing that I didn’t go would confirm that I’m a quitter, and THAT’S the feeling that I want to avoid. Does that make sense to anyone other than me? So to avoid that feeling, I go to the gym. And then I get the good endorphins. And my brain is happy. So I go home and take a shower. And I feel soft and curly and clean. And my brain is happy. So I eat breakfast and lunch and dinner. And I feel full and sated and satisfied. And my brain is happy. So I fall asleep quickly and stay asleep through the night. And I feel refreshed when I awaken. And my brain is happy. 

But what do I do if this happens again? How do I recognize that I’m drowning before I drown? I don’t think I know the answer to that; I may not know what to do until it happens. I’m hopeful that I will recognize it next time, since I know what to look for now, but spiraling is a horrible thing, and I know that I could very easily spiral right back down to where I was earlier before I see a problem. I guess I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it. Until then, I’ll stay positive and try to keep my routines. They seem to be my Constant, what keeps me tethered to real life (IYKYK).

If you, or someone you know, is struggling or in crisis, help is available. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available for those facing mental health struggles, emotional distress, substance use concerns, or those who just need someone to talk to. You can call or text 988, chat at 988lifeline.org (deaf/HoH here). You will be able to speak with a trained Crisis Counselor any time day or night. All conversations are free and confidential. 988 is driven by area codes, so you’ll be routed to a Counselor in the location of your area code, no matter where you are geographically (this means that if you live in NYC but you have a 305 area code, you’ll speak to a counselor in Miami); if you would prefer to speak to someone local, you can request to be transferred to a local Counselor.  

Take care of yourself, my lovelies. Life is hard. Sometimes you just need some extra help to get through it. 

The Universe Told Me I Could Do This - Gate River Run 2025

After doing Gasparilla last week (after a completely shitty 2024 of no training, no gym, no nothing really), I honestly didn't know if I should - or could - do another 15k just six days later. I thought on it for a few days, vacillating between let's do this! and fuck it, stay in bed!, and finally decided to just follow my heart and do whatever it told me to do. 

On Friday, I didn't even want to go, but I got all my stuff together anyway - my plan was to go and at least pick up my bib and swag. And if I didn't want to do it, I remembered that, last year, there was an option to turn in my bib and have my medal mailed to me a week later. Either way (doing it or not), I'd have my medal. 

Waking up on Saturday, I felt, I don't know... optimistic? I wasn't feeling fuck yeah let's do this about it, but more like I can do this, yeah, I think I can do this. I made really good time to Jacksonville, until I hit the usual traffic jam at Arlington. All I wanted to do was park in Lot J (which would be close to the Expo, so I didn't get lost), and like a dumbass, I thought I was smarter than the other million people here, and tried to find a different way to access Lot J. I drove away from Arlington, over near the parking garage, past the parking garage, but as I got near Lot J, they waved us away from the lot because it was already full (at 7am, wow!). So I continued to follow traffic, in a big-ass circle, until they brought us back over near the garage, where I sat in stand-still traffic for probably 20 minutes! I was beginning to fume and get angry... If I wanted to actually do this race (and the anger seemed to point that way), I still needed to park, walk over to the Expo and get my bib, then get to the actual start line! 

An estimate of my route to find parking

I accepted my fate at this point, assuming that there was some reason that I wasn't going to be able to participate. Traffic began to move, but I had no idea where they were sending us, because I gave up and slipped into a random parking lot with a $10 Parking sign. I realized that my wallet was in the truck, but thankfully, I have a card stored in my Garmin Watch, so I was able to NFC pay. We live in the future, y'all, so cool. 

As I parked, I realized that I was parking in the old expo area (the Jax Fairgrounds area), which was a huge win because I knew exactly where I was, and more importantly, how to get back to my car. 

I geared up, putting on my sneakers and stuffing my pockets, but not really rushing; it was already 8am at this point, and I assumed that there was no way that I'd make it to packet pickup and back to my wave before it took off. The expo was at Daily's Place this year, on the front side of the stadium. The inside was nicely organized (and probably much busier when the Expo was actually open). I was able to pick up my shirt, bib, and bag, but they ran out of pint glasses, which ticked me off; if I paid a fee for swag, I should get all the swag. 

The National Anthem started while I was still inside the expo building, and it kind of deflated my balloon... I really didn't know if I'd make it back to my wave before the race started (though, in hindsight, I forgot that my wave takes off more than 20 minutes after the speedy folks, lol). 

Let's go!

After the anthem, the Race Announcer said that they were going to postpone the start for 10 minutes, due to a disabled vehicle on the Main Street Bridge. I think that 10 minute delay was The Universe's way of helping me out, man. The Universe held up 15,000 people so that I could make it to my wave. The Universe is awesome. So I pinned on my bib and made my way over to The Pink Wave, which was actually right outside of Daily's Place. Getting there around 8:20, there was enough time for me to pee, pack my swag into my waist pack, and still had to wait about 10 minutes before I could sneak into the back of The Purple Wave. 

Okay, so now that I'm actually starting this race... can I finish this race? Who knows! Let's find out!

The course had a few changes from last year, though I feel like I say this every single year, because of the never-ending construction around the stadium. The start went straight down Gator Bowl Boulevard, instead of the "back way" from the past few years. I didn't plan on busting my ass for a good finish time... I just wanted to go as far as I could without hurting myself, and if it turned out I could go all the way, well then good for me! But if there was any reason to quit (other than I'm tired or I don't wanna), I was going to listen to my body and quit. 

Shoofie!

Getting up and over the Main Street bridge was a little rough, but I survived. I could feel the months and months of skipping cardio, that's for sure! I did a little running on the downhill, feeling okay (the only running I did, though). I checked in with my body at the 5k mark, and I felt good - no muscle aches, no breathing troubles, no issues to be found. I peeled off my sweatshirt and tied it around my waist and kept going. 

River Road was cacophonous and much more raucous than previous years. As I got on Hendricks, I saw some old geezer standing on the side of the road, waving his hand over his head, looking for someone, and I realized it was a friend of mine from parkrun! I knew that S and A were coming, but I didn't know anyone else was coming! So I walked with C and J until the corner and then they sped up and took off again (and by "took off" I mean they just walked faster than me, but I think that's because C had to pee). Knowing that I had some friends on the course with me (besides super-speedy S) gave me a little pep in my step, since I wasn't alone. 

Feeling so much better than 2024

At the 6 Mile Flag on Atlantic, I was still feeling pretty good; this is where I knew I had to quit two years ago, so I was happy to keep going. C & J passed me again (C finally got to pee, and they got behind me at some point). 

J & C kinda looking like Luigi & Mario

Mile 7 was deemed The Sober Mile by the people who were volunteering there, and The Sombrero Guy was giving out hugs, so I took him up on it. As I gave him a huge, strong hug (I really needed a hug, apparently), I thanked him for the Sober, since this is a very drunk race. He truly appreciated that thanks, so I'd wager that he is sober for a specific reason. I got an ice cold bottle of water and tucked it into my bra to drink on the bridge (though the ice in my Nathan was doing well still). 

Soon....

And finally, it was time. I stopped to stretch before I got on the entrance ramp. I took stock of what was hurting (though at that point, I damn sure wasn't gonna quit) - my feet hurt, of course, some vague pain in my legs, mostly along the outside, from my butt to my shins. But not major system malfunctions! I can do this! I chose to stop right before the Mile 8.3 flag for a photo op and to catch my breath before tackling the most uphill part of the entire bridge, then I just put my head down and trudged on until I got to the apex of the bridge itself. Music was pumping, everyone was woo-hooing, people driving by were honking, it was a party!

It was HARD this year, y'all

And then it was all downhill. 

Let's go, let's go, let's GO!

All the race promos said that the finish line was right at the bottom of the bridge but they were full of shit… I kept looking for flags and balloons and shit, but there was nothing. Oh the finish line is way over there at the start line! (And by way over there, I meant maybe .2 miles, but STILL!) 

Did they walk the entire way like this? 

At the bottom of the exit ramp on Gator Bowl Blvd, there was a marching band, but more importantly, there were some cutie patootie kiddos handing out popsicles! Oh, you know I got a popsicle! I ate a few bites of it then chucked it in the bushes, tucked my water bottle in the waistband of my skirt and crossed the finish line with my hands held high!

This wasn't the photo I was aiming for, but I love it!

I did it, I did it!!

My official time was 3:09:34. 

My 5k time was 59:23, and my 10k time was 2:01:42.

I was the 7,184th out of 7,318 total Females, and 686th out of 698 in my age group. 

I was the 13,600th finisher out of 13,860 total finishers (so, I only finished in front of 259 other people!)

I got a bottle of water and my medal, then veered off to the side of the chute to stretch my calves. For some reason, I put my head down on the railing and I just started crying, like crying crying! Thankfully, I was right in front of a speaker, so no one heard me! I have no idea why I was crying, either. Because I did it? Because I finished? Because I didn't hurt myself? I don't know. But I gave in to it and let myself sob for a minute or so, then got my shit back together and took a finish photo. 

My shirt is all jacked up because of my waist pack and sweatshirt

I looked around for any familiar faces, but didn't see any. I'd kind of hoped to see at least C & J hanging out and cheering me on at the finish line. Not finding anyone, I headed over to where I thought the after-party was. But... Where the hell was the party? All I saw were pavilions and team tents over by the bathrooms, and then a pretty waterfront area (Jax is in the process of rebuilding or improving this entire area). I sat down on a nearby bench and transferred things from my waist pack over to my swag bag, caught my breath, then walked over to the waterfront for a few selfies. 

So, it's not quite as big as my head, but it's pretty big

As I walked over to the water, I saw another sidewalk that led past a thick tree line, but it didn't seem like there was a party over there... I just thought that people were just making their way back to their cars. When I got home, I pulled up Google Maps and saw that I fell victim to Run Brain! The party was definitely behind the tree line! I also found out later that S, C, J, and even B (who finished 30 minutes ahead of me) were all looking for me afterward - I felt so bad! 

This is the map from the GRR Website; I was over on the left side where it says Team Tents

Anyway, after walking around the not-the-party area like a zombie, I gave up and headed back to my car, thankfully parked in a place that I knew exactly how to get to! I sat on Google Maps for a while, trying to decide what I wanted to eat (while watching the traffic at a stand-still as everyone else tried to leave the area). I hurt too much to stand in line at Safe Harbor, as much as I would love some fresh seafood, so I settled on Culver's and then shopping my way out of town. I made my way to a local gas station to change and get a Pepsi. I indulged in cheese curds and buffalo chicken fingers, but was far too stuffed to indulge in a caramel sundae afterward. I also ended up skipping any shopping; my legs were stiffening up, and though walking would have been smart, it was already almost 2pm and I needed to get home. 

************************************************************************************

Race Notes

Location: Jacksonville, FL

Host: 1st Place Sports

Race Fee: $81 ($55 Race, $8 extra for 3XL shirt, $10 extra for Day of Race Packet Pickup, $6.30 Refund Protection, $6.74 Processing Fee, -$5 Early Bird Promo Code)

Packet Pickup: Hectic to get to, quiet inside

Parking: Get there EARLY! Seriously, 90 minutes early or more!

Support: This is the biggest party race I’ve ever done, with tons of neighborhood support, but no on-course Gatorade or Fuel 

After Party: Highly lacking options besides beer, water, and bananas (according to those who actually found the party!)

Results: https://my.raceresult.com/326628/results#1_600DC3  

I Love Frosted Flakes - Gasparilla 2025

Well, folks, for better or worse, I made it to Gasparilla Weekend. No training at all. No walking except for random parkwalking. No gym for weeks. At my heaviest weight. At my least flexible. Yeah, I wasn't looking forward to this, but I paid for it and didn't want to be a quitter. 

Before we left, we had to head over to Hubby's check-in with his nephrologist. His labs continue to be stable, so his Chronic Kidney Disease isn't worse but it isn't better, either. She changed his meds around a little bit, and we'll come back in a few months for a follow-up. 

After that, we came home to pack and relax, then left around 1pm - we weren't able to check in to the VRBO early, so it didn't make sense to leave earlier than necessary. We picked up Chick-fil-A for lunch and had an easy drive down the interstate. We checked in the VRBO (super cute!) then I headed out solo to the Expo for packet pickup. This late in the day, it's much less busy, but some of the vendors had already left, too, which sucked. I got my two shirts, which weren't matchy-matchy, and the final Challenge Jacket (they'll do something new next year), which was more fabric-like than the ones in the past, which were more like rain jackets - I love this one so much more! 

There wasn't a lot of cool swag being given away, and a lot of the booths wanted you to use your phone to register for something or another to get swag. Yeah, no... I'm not into that. I found my name on the big board then made my way back to the car, and then the VRBO. 

For dinner, we went to Trip's Diner again. I don't know if it's because it was busier, or because it wasn't "new to us" but I don't feel like it was as tasty as it was last year. It was still very good, but not "roll my eyes backward" good. 

Back at the VRBO, I laid out my gear for the morning, set my alarms, then filled up the tub for a hot bath. Except it wasn't hot. The bathtub was an old-school cast iron tub, and because it'd been so cold lately, the cast iron was freezing, so all of the hot in the hot water was immediately cooled down, and I ended up stewing in a tepid tub. Boooooo. We relaxed in bed with books and Twitter until I eventually fell asleep. 

Saturday morning, I woke up around 5. Got dressed and tried (unsuccessfully) a few times to poo, then brought a glass of OJ to bed while I read for 10 minutes or so. I woke Hubby up at 5:30 and we were in the car by 6. We were in a parking space by 6:25, which is better (but still not the best). Hubs dropped me at the start line with a kiss, then I got in my corral to stretch and warm up and wait until it was my turn. Over the start line, I met up with Hubs at the 5k tent and walked together to Publix, where he left me. Today was going to be only walking, no running. Of course, this put me pretty far in the back almost immediately. 

Around Mile 2.5, I met up with a woman who looked like she was having a hard time; turned out that she had recently had knee surgery and was cleared to run, but stepped off a curb wrong just a few days before and totally jacked up her knee! She didn't think that she'd be able to finish this, but was hoping to at least make it to the 5k mark before quitting. Because I'd slowed down to check on, and talk to, her, we were really close to the back at this point - I could see the sag wagon and cop car behind us. 

After I left her, I shed my fleece top in front of the Rough Rider truck, hoping that I'd be able to pick it up on the way back. I started getting the gotta potty feeling after that, but skipped the potty at Mile 3, thinking that there was another one near the 8k turn around area. Unfortunately, that entire area was fenced off for construction, so I had to go about another mile to the potty by the Star Wars tent, and it was disgusting. Dribbles all over the seat, and a runny pile of poo on the back corner of the seat. But I had to GO so I just got heaps and heaps of TP to clean off the seat so I could go. Not my best potty experience, but at least I didn't drop my water bottle in there! When I came out a few minutes later, I was last last. Like, the cops and sag wagon were way up there in front of me. Fuck. 

I kept going, assuming at some point that someone would tell me to quit, or get on the sidewalk, or something, but no one ever did. At the Halfway Sign, I talked to someone who looked official who said that they were probably going to open Gandy soon, and I'd probably have to get up on the sidewalk, and I should just turn around there, so I did. I only cut off .4 miles (really, Gandy seems so much longer!), but I apparently missed a timing mat, and mentally, it fucked with me...

Now I'm in front of a good number of people who did that extra .4 miles, and I feel terrible! I decided that I was just going to keep my pace and not freak out about anyone passing me (they're obviously faster than me to begin with). Maybe .25 miles after turning around, this old woman with trek poles walked by me and singsong said cheater, cheater, cheater! Like, bitch, get the fuck away from me before I kick your poles out from under you. You don't know me. 

Anyway... at this point, the sky was darkening and the wind was kicking up and the temperature was dropping and I really thought it was going to storm, but all I had to battle was a heavy, cold, wind. It was blowing right at me, making it feel like I was walking through mud, and it was hard to get a good deep breath. I wished that I hadn't thrown my fleece on the ground! I had about 2 miles to go before I could get it back, and I realized that I was stupid and put it on the wrong side of the Rough Riders truck. See, the 5k course turns around at the Rough Riders truck, so my fleece is now part of the 5k course! And if I didn't get there before the speedy 5k people, there was no way I'd be able to get it back. (For safety reasons, I wouldn't be allowed to cross over to that side of the road). So I picked up a little bit of speed, watching the 5k side of the course the entire time, and I was able to veer over there and grab it, as I saw the Timer Car coming my way. I crossed in front of the Police Motorcycles to get back to my side of the road with just a minute or two to spare before the lead runner came by, whew! I put my fleece back on and got warm, watching the speedy runners go past me.  

I'm ready to finish!

I trudged along the last mile and a half as the super-speedy folks whizzed by me. Some offered encouragement, most just ignored us. Because I missed the timing mat at Gandy, I have no official time, but my Garmin says that I finished 2:57:10, doing 8.9 miles. I met up with Hubby in the finish chute, and he said that my time looked like I did pretty good, and I had to tell him that I didn't complete the entire thing. I didn't tell him about Pole Bitch. I was grumpy and almost cried but kept it back. I got a warm, dry, finisher towel, some water, some Froot Loops with Marshmallows, and some Pringle Mingles (love saying Pringlemingles). Spoiler alert, the Froot Loops were nasty... The loops pulled moisture from the marshmallows, so the loops taste stale, while the marshmallows - which I thought would be crispy like Lucky Charms marbits - were soft and chewy (eta - it might have only been this bag; other bags I munched on at home were perfectly fine). 

Back at the VRBO, I tried again for a hot bath, but this time it was the water heater that failed - the water heater was too small of a capacity to provide enough hot water for a tub that size, so it was running tepid before the tub was halfway full! Boooooooo!! After some doomscrolling, I used my massage gun on my thighs and calves, which was miserably painful, but definitely needed. I also searched Google for lunch options, but my body had no idea what it wanted; I ended up choosing Portillo's. We drove more than 30 minutes to get there, but it was worth it. I was hoping that I could get a hot dog on a regular (non-seeded) bun, but they don't do that, so I got a spicy chicken sandwich, hubby got a burger, and we got a cup of cheese for our fries, drastically underestimating what we thought 4oz cheese would be, lol! We got a huge vat of cheese! 

The food was amazing - the chicken had a good texture and breading; it was super-juicy (actually dripping and squirting when I bit into it), but my body didn't really want to finish it after I ate about half of it. Hubby burger was delicious, the fries were crispy and fresh, and the cheese was as awesome as you think. The restaurant itself was really well-themed and laid out with lots of different eating areas, we'd definitely go back again. 

We walked off our lunch at IKEA; I was on the hunt for a cute basket or box with a lid that would allow me to hide the home phone router on the white shelf in the living room (instead of hiding it under my side table). Plus, I wanted some of the butter sugar cookies from the café. Sadly, I didn't like any of the basket or box options, and the café had no cookies, so we actually left IKEA without spending a single dollar!! Has that ever happened before in the history of ever? 

We scratched our 'dessert' itch at Bo's, with a caramel sundae and a Thick & Chunky in bed. After a few hours, we started talking about dinner, and we realized that we were too damn comfy and snuggly to get out of bed, so we had a dinner of Doritos and Portillo cheese and Little Debbies, and conked out for the night! 

I was feeling pretty... okay... Sunday morning. No pain other than "I walked a 15k yesterday" type pain. I think that the massage gun made a big difference (I'm so thankful for the crazy Black Friday sale last year!). 

Because of the construction near the 8k turn-around, the start line had to be moved backward, so this year, the corrals were on Platt Street, between Publix and Parkside of Bayshore. It's a skinny, two lane road, and it was super claustrophobic! Nobody had any idea where their "wave" or "corral" was, so we all just started shoving in. I ended up with the 12-minute pace people (from what I overheard of random strangers talking), but instead of trying to swim downstream to the slow section, I just stayed where I was and let people move past me as we all moved forward toward the start line. This seemed to work pretty well but I should have waited a little bit more... I took off with the 14-minute people. 

I was also stressing out because the race program warned the 8k walkers in the back that they needed to keep a 16-minute pace, or they may be shunted to the sidewalk at some point - I didn't want that to happen, so I was moving faster than I originally planned. But, you know, yay for me... I was moving faster than originally planned! 

I saw Pole Bitch clack by around the first mile, and I just wanted to trip her, but chose not to; she either didn't recognize me or chose not to attack me, so I let it go. 

Nothing memorable happened along Bayshore, so I just kind of zoned out and walked my race. I pulled out my 15k medal at the bridge like I always do, and at the finish line did a quick video of finishing - I was met at the end again by Fitz, which was so cool! 

My official time was 1:37:25, which (as expected) is my slowest time ever (more than 16 minutes slower than the first time I did it in 2015). Because I missed the timing mat on Gandy, I didn't get an official Challenge time, which technically means I didn't finish the challenge. Oh well... I finished it in my heart, and I have the medals to prove it, so let's just accept that I finished it. 

I got my cold, wet, finisher towel and my two medals, then hit up the snack tables for more Pringlemingles, and then at the Frosted Flakes table, I grabbed two bags (I love Frosted Flakes!), but the volunteer said I could have more, so I kept taking one more at a time, then I slyly asked if I could just take the whole box? She said that she couldn't give me a whole box (wink wink), but she wouldn't stop me if I just took the half-full box in front of her. So I did! She even put three more bags in there for me! I lost count, but I think I ended up with about two dozen bags of Frosted Flakes to snack on. My Run Brain was fixated on these bags, and I was like dancing around with happiness with so many bags of Frosted Flakes, lol!

Back at the house, I skipped the bath, but did lots of massaging, especially on my upper thigh/side butt area (apparently, this is part of my IT Band). I wanted to cuss, it hurt so bad, but in that "oh, fuck yeah" kind of way. I got dressed for lunch and pointed us toward La Segunda in Seminole Heights - who knew this was here so close?! Oh, this one is only a bakery (so many HUGE ovens!) - we picked up a still hot as fuck right out of the oven loaf of Cuban bread, an oatmeal cookie and a pound cake for us to munch on later, then drove over to the La Segunda on Kennedy for actual lunch. Cuban for me, 1915 Club on Cuban Bread for him, delicious as ever. He also picked up a chocolate cake slice to bring back to the VRBO for later. 

We packed up the other halves of our sandwiches to bring them home to eat on Monday, and then for some reason, I got fixated on the idea of finding out if Tampa had a Kroger (of course they don't... this is Publix territory). But he googled around and found two locations that were listed as being Kroger locations (directly on Kroger's website), so we went on an adventure! Sadly, both locations were actually just Shell gas stations... WTF, Kroger? Back at the VRBO, we spent time together; I'm sure we ate dinner, but for the life of me I can't remember what it was... it was probably just junk food (probably pound cake and oatmeal cookies!). 

Monday morning showed up grey and wet, a completely rainy morning. We packed up and left the VRBO, heading back downtown so that we could drive the length of Bayshore Boulevard - Hubby's never seen the course at all, and I've never driven it, so we thought it'd be fun to do. Every mile or so, he'd say wow, this is longer than I thought or when do you turn around? or how much further? Though it was rainy, I pointed to the end of the white Bayshore balustrade (way in the distance) and said that we had to walk all he way to the end of the balustrade line along the water before we turned onto Gandy. We drove down Gandy then turned around and came back, driving over the Platt Street Bridge (where the After Finish area is) and then under the Convention Center. I think driving the entire course gave him a better understanding of how hard this is for me... it's not just a simple 15k... it's mental. It just goes on forever, it's so flat and boring and the same, mile after mile. There's no shade on the way back. It's a deceptively simple course, really. 

After this, we went to the La Segunda Central Bakery in Ybor for pastries to take home (including a quesito, sugar cookie, cinnamon bun, peanut butter cake, and an additional loaf of bread). On our way out of town, I picked up a soda at Circle K then set Google Maps to take us to Wildwood then home, but somehow it planned it out backward, which we didn't realize at first! I was wondering why I was taking such weird roads just to get to US301! So, we got a little inadvertent adventure before we fixed the mapping. In Wildwood, we hit up the Christmas/Valentine's clearance at Russel Stover, though I bought very little since I still had so much Christmas clearance candy from Walmart at home (I got two bags of chocolate Santas, and a few whip cremes). Hubby, on the other hand, replenished his stash of candy - I think we spent about $50 together. We skipped ice cream in favor of actual lunch at Hardee's right down the road. We were the only customers in the entire place, so at least our food was freshly made for us. I got a kid's chicken tender meal AND a small Hot Ham & Cheese sandwich, AND a maple biscuit. Hubby got a cheeseburger meal. All of that food hit just the right spot (though the biscuit was not nearly as good as I'd hoped), and kept my belly happy the whole way home. 

Once unpacked, we jammied ourselves and just relaxed the rest of the night. I plan on working from home tomorrow, and I just know I'm gonna HURT! 

I know you wanted to see my big box of Frosted Flakes!

***********************************************************************************

Race Notes

Location: Bayshore Blvd, Tampa, FL
Host: Gasparilla Distance Classic Association
Race Fee: $156.98 ($140 Challenge {15k/8k}, Processing Fee $16.98)
Packet Pickup: Easy to find within the Tampa Convention Center; bib pickup first, then shirt/challenge swag/swag bag. Contained within the expo
Parking: Hectic but well-controlled via Tampa Police downtown; we park in Fort Brooke Parking Garage every year ($15 each day, so $30 total, well worth it).
Support: Water and Gatorade on course, very abundant. No fuel for 15k or smaller distances. Community holds up fun signs. No booze (like Gate). Rough Riders hands out donuts from Krispy Kreme.
After Party: I don’t go to the party, but the food option afterward is amazing… Bottled water, cups of Gatorade, bananas, bagged snacks from sponsors (this year was Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, Pringles, Gatorade Protein Bars). There’s obviously tons of beer, since Michelob is the big sponsor.
Results: https://results2.xacte.com/#/e/2573/placings

On the Mountain of Healthiness, We're *HERE* - CKD Update February 2025

After rescheduling his January appointment, we met with Dr. L today. On our way there, as we were parking in the parking garage, I told him that if he wanted to quit and never have a biopsy, and never see Dr. L again, I would accept that decision. His October visit was very stressful, and he seemed just so... DONE... with everything. Personally, if it were me, I'd keep going until I could figure out what was wrong and how I could fix it. But he's not like that. He gets frustrated and overwhelmed and just flips a table and walks away. So, I put the ball in his court and said, if you quit, I stand behind you. 

Speaking to Dr. L, he had to admit that we've done pretty much nothing healthy over the holidays... Between Thanksgiving and New Year's, life just sucked. Clover got sick and passed away, and we just said fuck it and didn't give a shit about anything. We ate a lot of junk food, a lot of fast food for dinner, a lot of prepared food (like chicken nuggets or frozen pizza) for dinner... Neither of us could be bothered to do anything good for us! He stopped taking his meds and doing blood pressure checks. Thankfully, we got our shit together again after New Year's, which is why we rescheduled his appointment. 

She reviewed his numbers, which seemed to be wavering slightly, but not decreasing too much; his eGFR is up to 69 (nice) and most other numbers are holding. His blood pressure, of course, was much worse than it had been, but that's because he stopped taking his meds. His A1C is just a tiny bit higher than she'd like (normal is 5.6% and he's at 5.9%), so we need to keep an eye on that in future visits now, too. She stressed again the importance of staying hydrated, eating right, and exercising. I told her that we were doing better in that regard, though we weren't where she wanted us to be. I gave her a visual of a tall mountain and a low valley; she was down in the valley, demanding we come down to be healthy with her, and we were up near the top of the mountain, where it was super-unhealthy and full of Bad Things. We were slowly coming down to meet her, but still far away. We explained that there was progress being made, but because we were so high up on the mountain, it would take us a while to get down to her level. She seemed content with that, because she understood that there was forward motion, no matter how slow. 

We told her about the gastro issues and the chest pain; she suggested that the chest pain may actually be Costochondritis, inflammation in the costosternal cartilage that connects the ribs to the sternum. It most commonly affects the upper ribs on the left-hand side of the body, and pain is often worst where the rib cartilage attaches to the sternum, but can also occur where the cartilage attaches to the rib. It's also known as Chest Wall Pain Syndrome or Costosternal Condrodynia. The cause of Costochondritis is unclear... Treatment focuses on easing the pain while waiting for the condition to ease on its own, which may take several weeks. Symptoms include sharp, aching, or pressure-like pain, pain that may radiate to the arm or shoulder, and pain that worsens when taking a deep breath, coughing, sneezing, laughing, or any other chest wall movement. Interestingly, Costochondritis occurs most often in women over 40, so I wonder if this is something that I'll have to deal with at some point? 

Because of the inflammation, she wondered again about an autoimmune disease - something she's never been able to rule out as a factor for him. He had an abnormal antibody test back in June, which hints at an Autoimmune disease, but doesn't point to anything specific, unfortunately (it's not HIV or AIDS, we tested for that). For now, she'll take another wait and see approach while he works on getting his blood pressure back under control (it was 143/89 at this visit). 

She brought up the subject of a kidney biopsy again, but surprisingly, Hubby didn't automatically shut down. He wasn't happy to talk about it, but he seemed a little more open to the idea? She didn't push it though, because she won't do it until his blood pressure is back to normal (which would be around 120/80). To that end, she upped one of his blood pressure meds, reminded him to do blood pressure checks routinely, then asked us to come back in April. I looked over at him, thinking that this would be the time for him to shut it down or keep it going, and he chose to keep it going. So we'll be back to see her at the end of April for a follow-up. Here's hoping that his blood pressure is back down and his eGFR is back up!

The Kidney Disease is Chronic, but This Snark is Iconic

Hi there! If you're new here, my husband has Chronic Kidney Disease, and we're both learning how to deal with this weird avalanche of related and unrelated crap that goes along with it. If you've missed any part of this adventure, you can catch up here:

• April & May  
• June
• Baby's First Coloscopy
• July
• August
• September
• October

When I last checked in, his eGFR was around the mid-60s, and he was adamantly refusing a kidney biopsy. We made a deal with Dr. L to just maintain for the next few months and come back in January to check his numbers. I was mad at him, and heartbroken that he wasn't seeming to take this seriously, and I just kind of mentally shut down. 

All caught up? Okay, let's go. 

Throughout the end of October and into November, he was having the opposite problem of his previous insomnia... he was sleeping far too deeply. I could shake him, slap him, tickle him, turn on the lights, and he just wouldn't wake up. I'd start trying to wake him up for work at 6:20 like I normally did, eventually backing up to 6:15, then 6:10 until Sunday, November 3rd, when I was literally shaking him back and forth, without him waking up. He'd finally wake up around 6:50 and hobble in to pee; of course by then it was too late for him to get to work. 

Also, there were multiple times where he fell asleep on the toilet, being in there for 20-30 minutes until I realized he was still in there and I had to check on him. At first, it was a little funny, but then it got really worrisome. Because of this, he'd either get to work late (and have to use Leave to cover the missed time), or just not go in at all. Things got back to "normal" around Veteran's Day just to suck again, when our cat got sick and eventually passed away mid-December. That really threw a wrench into the time between Thanksgiving and New Year's and both of us just let ourselves do whatever the hell we wanted... Lots of fast food for dinners, lots of junk food, no gym or parkrun, skipping blood pressure checks, not taking meds; really just a few weeks of Fuck It behavior. 

He was supposed to follow up with Dr. L on January 7th, but because of this Fuck It behavior, we requested to reschedule to February so that we could get back on the wagon, so to speak. Dr. L didn't seem too happy about that, but was able to find an appointment for us.  

At the beginning of the year, he had some unplanned time off (hours getting cut for many employees), which worked in his favor a bit, since he'd wanted to take some personal time off anyway. Unfortunately, he was battling bouts insomnia and heavy sleeping again! I can't wake him up, it's frustrating as hell, it's scary, and it's just making me mad. Near the end of the month, he had a scare, with unknown chest pain that he thought might be a heart attack (it wasn't, thank goodness). Because he'd taken a number of days off (he was back on the work schedule at this point), he had to put in for another Leave of Absence, which meant that he had to wait for it to be approved before he could go back to work, even though he was fine and okay to work (this procedure is so stupid). So, whether he really wanted it or not, he got more time off, and I got more stress, having to figure out how to pay bills and keep the household afloat with no paycheck coming in for weeks and weeks and weeks. 

In the beginning of February, he had another bout of... gastrointestinal issues (we all know what that means, right?) I had picked up a Publix cake and made tacos for dinner on February 8th to (belatedly) celebrate my 18th year quit, and both of us suffered from "hot snakes and bubble guts" all night. 

This came again and again for him over the next 5-6 days, with his troubles being worse than mine. We still hadn't gotten any paperwork for his LoA, which sucks! Last time we did this, the paperwork showed up almost immediately, so where the hell is it now? 

Mid-February, he said to hell with it all and planned to go back to work; if they kicked him out, they kicked him out, but maybe it would prompt HR or Sedgwick to do something, right? But then the morning of the day he wanted to go back, another week with upset stomach! Mostly he'd be fine all day long, sleep fine, wake up fine, get ready for work, but then get stuck in the bathroom for 45 minutes - which would make him late for work (and since he was already on such thin ice with the stupid LoA problem, it didn't make sense to go in to work), so he'd stay home again. 

February was just this never-ending rollercoaster of shit and sadness. At one point, I wondered if the gastro issues were due to Publix cake. He had issues (including nausea & vomiting) back in September, right around my birthday, and of course, I get Publix cake for my birthday in September... I hope it's not, because I love it, but not having the poops is a lot more important than having cake! 

On February 21, we met again with Dr. L, who seemed, I don't know, content, with Hubby's progress. She stressed again about eating right and exercising and drinking water. We shared with her the information about his gastro issues and the chest pain; she said that the pain was most likely Costochondritis,  inflammation where the ribs meet the sternum. And that inflammation could be a sign of an autoimmune disease, something that she has yet to rule out for him, since he does show some positive test results for unknown autoimmune diseases. She again brought up the kidney biopsy, and while he kind of side-stepped the entire issue, he didn't shut her down. But she wants his blood pressure to get down (and stay down) in the normal 120/80 range, so she didn't push him on the biopsy. She upped one of his blood pressure meds and told us to come back in April. 

We went down to Tampa for Gasparilla and when we came back, he was ready to head back to work; he still hadn't gotten anything from Sedgwick (well, a confirmation email back in January, but that's it), and he was tired of waiting. And, unfortunately, that's when shit hit the fan...

Chest Pains or Something Worse?

(Taken in Pensacola)

Last week, we had that crazy freak winter storm that brought 8" of snow to the Florida panhandle, and freezing temps to our little home in North Central Florida. It was expected to be worse than it was, so I was able to stay home on Wednesday, January 22nd, and Hubby was home since his employer was cutting hours after the new year (he was off the schedule for a good few weeks, honestly). He was actually supposed to return to work on Thursday, January 23rd, but stayed home because of the weather. 

On Friday, he woke up with some pain across his pectoral area; first he thought that he'd slept wrong, but as the day progressed, he began to worry that something was really wrong... Chest pain is nothing to ignore when you're 50 and out of shape! We used Dr. Google and came up with some scary and not-so-scary options, and opted to take a wait and see approach over the next day or so. We weren't seeing any symptoms of a heart attack, so this approach seemed safe. He skipped work on Friday, and later decided that he should stay home until we figured out what was wrong (nobody wants to have a heart attack at work, right?)

By Saturday night, the pain was still there, varying in severity, and he decided he was ready to see a doctor. On Sunday morning, I reached out to his Primary Care Physician via MyChart to request an appointment for Monday (I didn't know that this was a stupid idea when I did it). I worked from home on Monday, and all day, I was waiting for a reply from his doc (I should have just called, honestly). He was still feeling pain in his chest, around his sternum and pecs, above the nipple line. 

I went to work on Tuesday and got a call from the doctor's office finally. They said that in the future, I should just call the office directly; using My Chart isn't the best for these kinds of things. So I left work early and we headed over to the doc. He told them that he'd experienced this pain three or four times over the past few months, but this was the worst time, lasting for days. There may not be correlation, but he believes that he feels a corresponding pain in his back, along the same plane, above the shoulder blade area. 

They poked and prodded him, listened to his heart and lungs, never making any oh no sounds, not even any hmmmm sounds, which was good. They ruled out any sort of cardiac issues, even going so far as recommending an EKG. I expected that we'd have to go somewhere else to do the EKG, but they just rolled a machine into the room, put little stickers all over him, and shot some voltage through him. Results came out perfectly fine. Between all of this, I think we ended up seeing at least five different people (Nurse, Medical Assistant, Dr. R, Attending Doc, and EKG Guy). Everyone was very nice, which put Hubby at ease (he's still not a huge fan of doctors in general, so it's like trying to earn the trust of a whipped dog). 

While we were alone in the room, waiting for the Attending Doc to come back, I gave him a few snuggles to ease his anxiety, and suggested again that we need to get up and get moving, stretching, walking, all that stuff. I know he knows we need to do that, but he's just not there yet mentally. It's like when someone tells you you need to quit smoking. You know you should but you don't want to, so you don't. It's frustrating for me, but I can't force him to do anything... He's an obstinate man and any change has to come from his end, not mine. All I can do, really, is be a good example for him, and encourage him when I see him trying something new. 

Dr. R concluded that his problem must be something musculoskeletal, and suggested using pain meds (like Tylenol) or topical creams (like Voltaren) to lessen the pain. Dr. R even submitted the Voltaren (diclofenac) as a prescription to see if would be covered by his insurance, which it was! Name brand would cost $20 a tube, generic would cost $13, but prescription covered three tubes for $19. Voltaren is best for relieving arthritis pain, improving mobility, and reducing stiffness. 

I picked up his prescription after work the next day, and it seems to work fine. There's no magic salve for muscle pain, no matter what anyone says. But it worked enough that he stopped moping around the house like an old man. 

Of course, now that his immediate pain is gone, he's reverted back to old habits; he's not taking care of himself, not stretching to make sure this doesn't happen again. So this will probably happen again. And he'll complain about the pain and put on some goo. And the cycle will continue.