Our Quiet Christmas, Full of Love and Snacks

 When things get difficult, wrap yourself with the love of the people who love you. Even if those people are suffering just as badly as you, it's better to suffer together than to suffer alone. 

Clover's Final Christmas

Our cat Clover was diagnosed with Lung Cancer just a few days after Thanksgiving, and we lost her on December 13. After her diagnosis, the vet gave her just a few days. I had a hole in my heart, and I told Hubby that I didn't even want to put up anything for Christmas - no tree, no candles, nothing. I wasn't feeling all that jolly. I sat with that idea for a day or so, but I knew that Clover truly loved Christmas, all the colors and flickering lights and cozy blankets and pillows to lay upon, and Hubby talked me into giving her one more bright and cozy Christmas before she left. She ended up spending the majority of her time laying on the shelf facing the tree, just content to look at the tree.  

After she passed, I thanked Hubby for talking me into decorating for Christmas, and both of us kind of realized that Christmas was less than two weeks away and neither one of us had done any shopping. I told him that I'd think of something, and that we just shouldn't do presents; he thought that was a good idea. We'd have a very quiet, reflective Christmas Eve, maybe just snuggle in bed all day watching Christmas movies and being supportive of each other when we randomly started to cry because we remembered something silly that Clover would do. 

But this got me going, and me being me, I started having some ideas in my head, playing off another idea that I'd already had for Mom's gift. I mean, if you were planning on staying in bed all day, wouldn't you want some snacks? So, what if I made each of us a little gift bag of our favorite snacks? Maybe our favorite drinks, too? And for a few days, I sat on that idea, nursing it, letting it grow. I tried to think of what is most favorite snacks are and where I could get them, or where to find some specific item. 

And then I went balls to the wall, lol. Because if you're gonna do it, you better do it BIG. 

I popped into Dollar Tree and picked up a few different containers to hold the snacks, and some supplies to wrap the basket. I picked up a few different options, but The Bucket ended up being what I needed! I used a piece of tape to hang a large Dollar Tree ornament on the outside of the bucket, to spruce it up a little bit. 

$2.50 for a 3-4 gallon bucket and decor

I went over to Hobby Lobby for other supplies (I was doing this idea for mom's gift, too; I'll share her basket at the bottom). I went to the grocery store. I went to Rural King for bottles of root beer. I hit up Circle K for giant Christmas Tree cakes and his favorite flavor of Mtn Dew. I went to Dollar General for a specific candy that I like, and another that Mom likes. I did a Wal-Mart grocery pick up for way too many more snacks. I even ordered more snacks online to be delivered, when I couldn't find them online! I'm sure I have receipts somewhere, but I must have spent $200 on these three baskets! 

Behold the immense pile of snacks!!!!

His Basket

Holy moly! Let's see if I can capture everything shown in that photo! Frito-Lay chips variety pack, Pringles, Famous Amos Cookies, Planter's Peanuts, Nabisco variety pack, Wonderful Pistachios, Emerald Cashews, Utz Snowballs, Ghirardelli Minis, Drake Devil Dogs, Giant Hershey Bars, Hershey Candy Cane Kisses, York Peppermint Patties, Banana Laffy Taffy, Cow Tales, Tootsie Rolls, Andes Mints, cookie cups, Combos, Cheetos variety pack (specifically to get the Snowflake-shaped puffs), Combos, Milk Duds, Sprecher's and Frostie Root Beer, Purple Thunder Mtn Dew, Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes, Hershey Kisses, Special Dark Kisses, Reese Thins, Hershey Hugs, Baby Ruth, Cinnamon Mentos, Milky Way Midnight, Golden Double Stuf Oreos, Nutter Butters, Powdered Donuts, Beef Jerky, and Rolos!

I proceeded to fill this bucket to the brim, almost overflowing! Heavy stuff (like bottles of root beer) on the bottom, and lighter stuff (like chips) on top. At first, I thought I was going to need filler (like crumpled up paper) at the bottom, but nope... this girl is stuffed from bottom to top! And once all the big stuff was in there, I sprinkled individual candies (like Kisses) across the top.

My Basket

I left them on the dining room table and just covered them with a blanket for the next day or so, because there was nowhere else to put them! I certainly couldn't put them under our tiny table tree, and since they were pretty see-through, I didn't want him peeping. 

So, Christmas Eve night comes around, and I ask him if we should do gifts tonight or tomorrow. He exclaimed we said we weren't gonna do presents! and I reminded him that I said I was going to come up with something. We decided to do them then, and I brought them over. I explained why I made them, we had a good little cry, and then bless his heart, he said... Go get your stocking. 

Huh? We said no presents!

This man, I swear. I love him dearly. Inside my stocking, I found two rolls of Rolos and a box of Milk Duds! 

His basket turned out better,
mine needed more cellophane overwrap

He said that he couldn't bear to let Christmas go by without getting me something. Because he loved me. 

We left our snack buckets (lol) on the table, cleaned up the house, and went to bed. We were able to sleep in and snuggle on Christmas Day (no toddlers to stare me awake anymore), until it was time to get up and start cooking. Mom came up around 11am for the day. She got both of us fuzzy jammies and some candy and a gift card. We gave her her Goodie Box, and she loved it! I had reached out to her sister and asked her to give me some ideas of what mom really loved to snack on, or what things she puts off buying because they're too expensive, or extravagant, or can't find. Mom's gift idea was borne out of the idea of treating her to an expensive type of protein shake she likes (about $5 a bottle), and I built the gift around that idea.

There's so much more in there than you can imagine!

Her basket included delicious treats like Bel-Vita, Orville Redenbacher Pour-Over popcorn, Drake's Devil Dogs, Emerald Cashews, Core Power Protein Shakes, Necco Wafers, Good & Plenty, Reese Big Cups, Pepperidge Farms Chessmen, a Whitman's Sampler (family tradition), Candy Cane Kisses, York Peppermint Patties, Ghirardelli Minis, and Diet Coke. All in a sturdy box from Hobby Lobby that can be reused (seriously, don't sleep on Hobby Lobby structured boxes!) 

Her oooohs and aaaahs when she looked at all the goodies made my heart grow two sizes... It's rare when I can surprise her with a really good gift anymore, so this was a big win! I'm sure she went home and shared it with her sister (they're roommates), and it'd be well-deserved, since she was so helpful for me. 

We had a great afternoon full of delicious food and fellowship, and I was sad when it was time for her to go home, because the house always feels a little quieter when guests leave, and now, with no kiddo and no kitty, it felt much quieter and much emptier. For the rest of the night, we relaxed in our own spaces, nibbling on leftover ham and candy and cookies and chips. 

It wasn't the best Christmas I've ever had, but it was the Christmas I needed, I think. I felt embraced and loved, both by my husband, and also by my mother just with her presence. My home felt warm and full of love, right when I needed it most. 

What is This Feeling...?

I haven't had to deal with grief for quite a while, and I will admit that the loss of our cat, Clover, has taken its toll on me. 

Clover Under the Christmas Tree, 2011

Clover passed away from lung cancer on Friday, December 13th. 

Since her diagnosis at the beginning of December, I've felt this cloud hovering over me, sucking the light and the joy out of everything around me. Why bother putting up the tree? Why bother making Christmas cookies? Why bother going Christmas shopping? I stopped caring about all of this, choosing to wallow in my sadness and pain, wrapping it around me like a blanket so that I can hide from the world. 

Image Credit: Can't Find Artist - Shout out if you know who it is! 

I'd put up our tiny Christmas tree and some decorations, because we wanted to make Clover's last Christmas as bright as it could be. But there was no joy in that for me. It felt like an obligation, going through the motions, because it was something that had to be done. I avoided Christmas music, because there was no joy in my heart to sing about. 

But what really brought me to my knees, and made me want to write this post was our employee Christmas party at work. I'm the person who is always on the party committees, who helps plan birthdays and baby showers and retirement parties, and yes, the Christmas party. I loved it, I was like the Monica Geller of the company. 

As I stood in the elevator at work a few days before Clover passed, I was actively MAD at the thought of a Christmas party. Like, how dare they all have fun while I am suffering with this sadness! I didn't want to go, but (like Monica), I'm a people pleaser, and the boss had closed the office for the party, so I had no good excuse not to go. 

As soon as I got there, I knew it was a mistake. Everything that I would normally love in other years, like laughing coworkers, or decorated spaces, or fun games, or someone winning Employee of the Year, I hated... I found myself scowling, like actually scowling, at people at my table. I buried my nose in my phone, blankly staring at a game of Solitaire, to avoid making eye contact with anyone. People would come talk to me and I'd be very short and curt with them, instead of being my typical outgoing self. Some people noticed, most didn't. None of them asked if anything was wrong.

But the straw that broke the camel's back was two-fold (two-strawed?)... I mentioned in a previous post that I was working on a huge project with a deadline. Our boss stood up and thanked my project teammate (from another department) for working so hard on that project. That's it. He didn't thank anyone else. Just Bob. Everyone clapped. Cool, let's eat. 

Even Clover can't believe that bullshit...

I was just so. fucking. done. I didn't care. I was probably a single conversation away from tears at that point - not from sadness, but from anger, and stress, and melancholy, and just all of it. I moved to a different table (closer to the door, so I could bolt at the first chance), and I was just bullshitting with Bob when our Big Boss came in for the typical glad-hand, look how awesome we are pep talk. I chatted with another person at the table, while Bob kept elbowing me. I turned to look at him (which was in direct eye-sight of the Big Boss) and said quietly, I don't fucking care about any of this shit, Bob right at the same time Big Boss thanked me for all of my hard work on the big project. It was like some scene out of a bad movie... I was pissed and seconds away from tears and I know damn well that the boss could read my lips, and yet everyone was turning around to look at me and clap for me...  All I could muster was a little wave and a smile. It turned out that Bob had gone over to the Big Boss and told her that I had done the lion's share of the project, and it wasn't right to not acknowledge that in front of everyone. 

I turned to my boss and said that I needed to get the hell out of there... She was aware of not only Clover's passing, but also all of the medical issues for the past six months, and could see that I was overwhelmed. I'm so thankful for her being so understanding. 

Later, when I got home, I had a small breakdown with hubby, trying to explain to him how I was feeling and how much I hated how I felt and how unfair it was, and after a good hug and cry session, we decided that we would skip gifts this year. Neither one of us are in the Christmas spirit, neither of us had done any shopping... We would just let this Christmas roll over us quietly, and just enjoy our day with my mother when she came over. No stress. Just family and love. I think that's exactly what we need. 

May we all find the level of peace enjoyed by a sleeping cat

Getting Stretched by a Stranger - Santa Suits on the Loose 5k 2024

Hello, and welcome to a very melancholy race report, brought to you by the letters D, E, A, T, and H. 

For those who may not know, our cat Clover was diagnosed with Lung Cancer a few days after Thanksgiving, and after giving a kitty middle-finger to the nurse who estimated she had a very short time left, she passed away on December 13. 

Yesterday. 

Over the past year, personally, I've been trying to get myself back into some semblance of a routine, and getting back to running and doing races. I signed up for Santa Suits on the Loose way back in the spring, so from that standpoint, this was the worst day for a race to be on for me. If Clover was still alive, there was no way I would have left the couch, but when I went to bed last night, I thought that this would be good for my mental health. I've been moping around the house a lot this year, because of Hubby's health issues, my own health issues, and then Clover's health issues. So, I decided to go and kind of force myself to be jolly. 

I drove out to St. Augustine (as always, leaving too early), and parked in my favorite spot. I put on some of my festive gear (like my cute skirt and my Christmas Tree hat), but I just felt like a faker. I walked around everyone else feeling like a robot. 

I honestly can't tell you anything that stood out from this race... There were cute dogs and babies and costumes and a marching band. But I have no funny stories, or random thoughts that I had at Mile 2. It was like I was just programmed to walk and think of nothing at all. And, in a way, I'm so thankful for that. It was an hour of not thinking, or feeling loss, or actually crying. I was able to just zone out and stop feeling at all. I didn't have to think about Clover. Or work. Or Christmas. Or anything. I simply existed to put one foot in front of the other (okay, Winter Warlock). 

On the upside, because I wasn't thinking about anything, I wasn't thinking about how far I was walking, or how long it was taking, so I kind of just "arrived" at the finish line without realizing it'd been an hour! I picked up my medal and a bottle of water, and a few snacks. 

As I was walking around, heading back to my car, I saw that there were a few tables set up, for what I assumed was massage, but then realized it was for a company called Stretch Zone. Usually after races, these types of services are either busy because they're free, or empty because you have to pay. These were free and they were empty! So yeah, you bet I walked over there! After a short chat with the employee, telling him that I usually felt pain in my upper external calves and lower external hamstrings after a race, he moved ahead with a full lower-body routine. I figured that this would be more akin to a quickie chair massage, but I was on this man's table for at least 20 minutes! He stretched my leg up toward my head, out (like a straddle), in across my body, bent my knee and shoved my foot toward my tushie, rotated my knee out like a frog... There was a lot that he did, and holy shit, it all felt so good... well, as good as it can with my jacked-up muscles. He said that my hip flexors were severely tight (no, you don't say?!) and that I should work on them at home. As I got myself back together, I thanked him for his stretching, saying that I'd never experienced an actual stretching session before. He reached into a box and pulled out a Goodie Bag for me! He said that there was some swag in there, as well as a gift card, and took a photo of me for social media (I wonder if they'll use it, lol). Back in the car, I checked out my goodies, which included a container of Tic-Tacs, some lip balm, and y'all... a $50 gift certificate to the local Stretch Zone! Yeah, they're probably really expensive then, right? Nah, I don't think so. I looked them up later, and they look to cost about $100 for an hour-long session, so basically, it's half-price. I plan on using it soon, next time I'm in St. Augustine (maybe after Gate River Run in March... that's only an hour's drive south). They also have something called a Flex Membership, that is $100/month that includes two stretches per month, with the ability to pay a smaller fee for extra stretches. Honestly, $50 is about what I spend for my massages... And I found out that they have a Stretch Zone in the city I live in! I'm really wondering if it's beneficial to get me limbered up to a point that I can take over and fix myself the rest of the way... 

Anyway, after a delicious stretch, I headed over to Culver's for lunch, picked up some groceries at Aldi, then headed home. I felt a little better by the time I got home, but when I parked and didn't see Clover in the window, I remembered that she was gone, and it just hit me all over again. I went inside and snuggled with hubby for a while then had dinner and went to bed early. Today helped a little, but not nearly as much as I wanted it. 

ETA: I don't think it fixed as many of my mental issues as I thought it did... I kind of had a little meltdown about a week after this post... Not my finest day, but a totally understandable one.