The Lazy Lady: Mammogram 2: Electric Boobaloo and Dermatologist

Okay, so two weeks ago, I had my very first mammogram. I got a call back to come in for a 2^nd mammogram and an ultrasound. Today was the day.

Well, here I am again...

I checked in and was called back pretty quick this time. The nurse remembered me from last time. She said that she thought that I got a ‘false report’ because I wore deodorant.

Srsly - remove your damn deodorant!

I told her that I did NOT wear deodorant last time and she kind of just went, “hmmp.” Like “Shit, maybe you do have cancer then…..”

I changed again, and gave myself a thorough wipe down with the baby wipes – even though I again did NOT wear deodorant, as instructed – and we went back to the mammogram room.

This mammogram report brought to you by Huggies

More squeezing ensued. The tech put a few Markers (little stickers) on my moles (there is one under my arm/on my boob that is big and gross) so that if it showed up, they would know what it was.

After the bookends of doom, I was sent to an interior waiting room, where there were three other ugly-hospital-gown-clad women just sitting around like none of them have their boobs hanging down to their knees and that this was all normal.

Next up, I was taken to the ultrasound room. Any woman who has ever been pregnant knows what to expect when you get an ultrasound. I was kind of propped up at a 45-degree angle, with one arm behind my head (hey, baby!). She glopped some lube on me (it was kept in a lube-warmer!) and started rubbing all over. She stopped a LOT – I have a lot of cysts, and some of them are big. She takes measurements of them and keeps going.

I got to stare at this for about an hour

On to the next breast, lube, repeat… Hmmm, she says.

Hmm? Say what?? What HMMMMM?

She says that she’ll want the doctor to come in for this one, but we’ll keep going….

We finish (we, like I did anything…) cataloging all the weird cysts in my boobs, then the doctor comes in and here we go again, more skiing over my boob. She pokes and shoves and swirls and squishes until she can get the best view she can and she tells me that she is 99% sure it is a Fibroadenoma. Most likely benign. Very small.

Then she asks – do you want a biopsy or do you want to wait?

Oh god – the word Biopsy has actually come up in this conversation. My first mammogram, and the word BIOPSY has been uttered….

Doctor reiterated that she is 99% sure that it is nothing, and if it were her, she wouldn’t even biopsy it. She would keep an eye on it and come back in 6 months.

I was speechless at this point, I could not think of anything to say, logical or otherwise (no snark to be found…)

Seeing that I was having a hard time with this, she said that I should go home and think about, then give her a call tomorrow. I sighed internally, knowing that I’d have time to digest all of this before moving forward. She left, as well as the tech, and I was given warm damp towels to clean up with. They certainly do goo the crap out of you!

It's hard to see ALL the goo, but rest assured, my boobs usually aren't green

Once dressed, it was time to head upstairs for my first visit with my dermatologist. Back at my annual gyno visit, the doctor hooked me up with a referral for a dermatologist, thinking that they would be able to remove some of my gnarlier moles.

Surprisingly comfy chairs for a waiting room

I was running late, due to the surprise at the mammogram office, but I was called back pretty quickly. Again, stripped down to bra and panties, and put on the super sexy hospital gown.

So flattering

A resident and a student came in soon and gave me a quick once-over. I pointed out a few (four) that I wanted to remove, as well as a few other issues (I have a weird bump on my décolletage and a weird red ‘mole’ thing on my thigh – both are perfectly normal, says the doctor). I showed them the mole under my arm, and they both went "Huh? What is that?" - That's when I realized I forgot to take off the marking sticker from downstairs!

Very quickly, they were drawing on me, around the four moles that I wanted to get rid of.

Left Side - above waistline

Neck, Right Side

Back, small of back, Left Side, near waistline

Armpit, Left Side near bra line

They brought in lidocaine and scalpels, and a cauterizing thingy (eww), and within 5 minutes, they were gone! I’ve had these moles all my life (so to speak), and I was kind of sad to see them go, but I am so much better off without them!

Once I was bandaged up, I was told to come back in one year for a follow up (and more removals, if I wanted), and see ya later!

I can’t wait to gross out Hubby when he has to help change bandages!