I Forgot How Much I Love Him

You guys might want to pull up a chair. This is quite a read, but I really felt like I needed to share it. Mostly for cathartic reasons. Maybe because I felt like if I reached one middle-aged wife out there, I'd be able to change her mind... 



I graduated high school and started college in 1995. I lived at home with my mom and didn't date much. In January of 1996, I met Hubby, while hanging out with is friend "A". I don't classify what "A" and I did as dating, but it could have been seen that way.

"A" lured me to dinner with the promise of scallops. I love scallops. He meant Scalloped Potatoes. I was not happy.

My first date with Hubby was actually on Valentine's Day. He worked at a donut store (you know, the one America runs on?) and I was there with "A" and some other friends. I stayed with Hubby all night, and I actually took him home while my mom was out of town for work (sorry, Mom!).

I moved in with him (oooh, shacking up!) in March, and we got engaged in April. I can't explain it. I couldn't explain it then... there was something there. I felt it. No, I wasn't pregnant (I was asked that A LOT.) We got married at the county courthouse in June.

It's an absolutely horrible photo... but look how skinny I was!

We were happy together, but very poor. I was in college and working at the same donut store. The long hours, the lack of money made for a very volatile first year, and we still say that if we made it through that first year, we can make it though anything. We also tried that year to get pregnant, but we never had any luck (but it was damn sure fun to try!) He had such a charisma about him. He could look at me and I'd crawl right back in to bed, or skip a Girl's Night Out. All I wanted to do was be with him.

Hubby lost his job in the spring of 1997, right about the time I discovered I was pregnant. Good timing, right? My early pregnancy was hard - I lost 30 pounds because of morning sickness (so much that my mom thought I was anorexic!) I continued to work and go to school during my pregnancy, but I also lost my job that summer. Luckily, I was able to get a job at Wendy's by autumn. We moved into a slightly better crack-house of a trailer in the winter and our Kiddo was born in January of 1998.

There's supposed to be a maternal glow? I don't see no glow...

After Kiddo was born, Hubby began working nights, first as a telemarketer, then at the Largest Retailer in the World. I stayed in school, but went at night (on days he didn't work), and worked during the day.

One of my most favorite photos of Hubby & the Kiddo

We hardly saw each other, but I was happy knowing that The Kiddo wasn't being raised by daycare.

It took 4 years to get a 2-year degree, but I did it!

After Kiddo was born, we were still maritally active, but it was much less frequently, as is normal. Many of our vacations were "Baby Free" solely so we could have some alone time.

Didn't EVERYONE get GlamourShots™ with their babies?

We moved to a nice apartment in 2000, when I got a job (and then stepped down) as a General Manager of a FroYo shop at the local hospital. After I left, I got a great job - a big girl job! - at the same hospital. I stayed there for 4 years, and during that time, we moved in to the house we bought a few years later.

There was a LOT of family drama in 2004 and it was hell. It started in January and didn't end until Thanksgiving. In April, I was fired from my job at the hospital. I was unemployed for a few months, until I found a new job (via a temp agency) with a local construction company. I had to deal with losing my job and finding a new job, all while dealing with The Year That Shall Not Be Spoken Of. I drifted away from Hubby, simply trying to keep myself together. I began smoking again (after quitting a few years earlier). I ate way too much and put on a lot of weight. It took a long time to heal from 2004. (Sometimes I feel like I still haven't).

Formal Night on a cruise in 2005

After 2006, the Kiddo was old enough to go on vacations with us, so Hubby and I lost our alone time in that regard. He lost his spark. I lost my spark. We went to see family in the fall of 2006, and then went to Chimney Rock in North Carolina. Hiking - and failing - changed me a lot. 

We take the same photo at the South Carolina Welcome Sign every single time we go north

After that trip, I decided it was time to quit smoking, get off Depo (birth control) and take care of myself. My doctor prescribed Zyban (a type of anti-depressant) to assist me in quitting smoking. One side effect was that it made me very... amorous. Hubby was a huge fan of that. Once I quit smoking, I stopped the Zyban, and I was back to my normal - unhappy - self. Perhaps I should have asked my doc to keep me on them... but I never even thought about it, because, at the time, I didn't see anything wrong with myself.

South Carolina kissy-face in 2006

In 2009, recession hurt the construction industry, and I was laid off, along with 11 other people in our very small company. I was unemployed for over a year. I was miserable. I sank deeper into myself, wallowing in all of my misery. I spent all day looking for a job, and then being pissed when I woke up the next day and realized it was another day without a job. I'm a person who likes to work. I don't like to sit on the couch and eat Doritos. I made it my job to find a job. It was very, very difficult, and again, I fell within myself. I didn't care about anything. Why should I shower? I don't have a job. Why should I get a haircut? I don't have a job. Why should I exercise? I don't have a job.Why should I love anyone else? I'm not worthy of love if I can't even get a job at McDonald's!

I found my current job in September 2010 and just as I felt the boat level off beneath us, my mother-in-law passed away in November. Hubby is the only child of a single mother... He lost his entire world.

One of the last times we were altogether

Throughout these years (this decade), he and I moved apart. We both blamed "real life" and "conflicting schedules." There would be stretches of months - hell, YEARS - where we did little besides hug each other. There was no cuddling on the couch, or spooning in bed. No little butt touches as we passed in the hallway. "I love you" was not a phrase I uttered frequently. I still loved him, but it was never expressed.

Celebrating our daughter's graduation in 2016

In 2016, we took one of our first Baby Free trips in years, for me to go run the St. Augustine half marathon. Hubby wanted to... you, know... but all I wanted to do was unpack and go to lunch. I was impatient with him, and I know it wasn't nearly the greatest experience it could have been. In 2017, it was the same thing... I noticed it that time though, and had words with myself... but I didn't do anything about it.

In January of 2018, we went to Celebration Half Marathon. It was the same feeling... yeah, yeah, yeah... let's do it so I can hang up my shirt and go get a cheeseburger.

But then something happened...

Well, yeah, that happened, but it was afterward. I slowed down and relaxed. We cuddled. Neither one of us rushed to put our clothes back on, or go to the bathroom, or whatever... we laid there, skin to skin, and just talked. About nothing. About everything. We were there for over 3 hours, just enjoying each other like we hadn't done in years. Eventually, we went to The Magic Kingdom and watched fireworks and snuggled on the ferry. I realized that night that I needed to change. Something within my was broken, an I needed to fix it.

Disney World - 2010

I told myself that I needed to hug him, to touch him, to say "I love you" every single day. I couldn't take advantage of him. If I continued to treat him the way I had, I would be causing irreparable damage to my marriage, and I loved him too much to let that happen.

New Smyrna Beach - 2007

I decided I needed to make a grand gesture. Gasparilla race weekend was coming up, so I planned a very... adult... weekend. It was all a secret. But, one morning, as we laid in bed, curled against each other, I explained why I changed. I explained that I drifted. I explained that I couldn't pinpoint when or why I drifted, but I've returned.

He kissed me on the forehead and simply said, "Welcome back." He said that he'd seen the drift happening, and let it happen. Looking at me, he saw that I was working hard to take care of myself, and he knew I'd make my way back. How he could say that with such confidence, I don't know... That he stood next to me, even when I didn't see him there, made my heart swell.

Our trip to Tampa was spectacular, and something we've needed for a long time.

Oh the stories I could tell! Tampa, 2018

In May, my cousin was getting married, so I decided that we should go. I'm not a huge wedding person, but I wanted to see my entire family together. And I wanted more alone time with my husband. I found a beautiful dress to wear. I surprised him by playing "Our Song" in earbuds while we danced. I wore my engagement ring again, probably the first time since the turn of the century.

I'm happy again. I feel joy in my life again. I feel like I'm a part of this marriage again. Looking back to how I was for over half of our time together makes me sad, realizing how much I missed.

I forgot how much I loved him, until it was almost too late.