You Want Me to... WHAT... In This Box?

 WARNING – This post talks about poop. A lot. If you don’t like poop, feel free to skip this one.

At my recent wellness exam, my doctor set me up with a Cologuard colon cancer screening (instead of a colonoscopy), and I made the mistake of thinking this was going to be a breeze!

It sat on the table for a few days before I opened it up on Saturday (the 21^st) so that I could read the directions and get ready. I actually got the giggles about the whole “shitting in a box” situation, so I decided to read the instructions later, when I could take it more seriously, and went about my day. Sunday morning, after the gym, I put on my big girl pants and sat down to really read the instructions. Okay, I feel like I understand the whole process now… Poop in the bucket, tickle the poop with a stick, put some chemicals on the pile, seal it up, and ship it away. {Spoiler alert… I didn’t read all the instructions!}

(Hint: Alice in Chains)

Around 11:30, I was feeling like it could be time, but because Circle K often gives me… suboptimal poopage… I chose not to try to capture it in the bucket. Only to pass the most perfect poo ever! The instructions say that runny poo or diarrhea isn’t an acceptable specimen). No worries, I’m a pretty “regular” person, I’ll try again later. But no matter how many times I tried, or felt like it was happening, there was no poo to be had. Okay, now I’m kind of stressing. When can I poo? I’m supposed to return the box the day of, or the following day after, the pooping. What happens if I poo at night? I honestly thought that this was a “get it done right now!” kind of thing, especially because Cologuard kept emailing me and texting me every day, reminding me to shit in the box. I also thought that I needed to have it done and have the results back by the time I did my follow up with my doc next week.

I work from home on Mondays, so that gave me another day to try to poo. But what happens if I don’t do it today? Should I bring the bucket with me? What if I can’t poo at work tomorrow? Well, I never ended up pooping on Monday, so I decided to put everything back in the box and take it with me to work, hidden in one of my reusable grocery bags. I even tried to pre-game all day Monday, by eating a large lunch and a dinner full of protein, to kind of fill the chute.

On Tuesday, I walked into work laden with my work bag, gym bag, lunch bag, and shitbox bag, looking like a crazy person. My hope was that I could poo today and take the box to UPS on my lunch break, or right after work. But my body had other ideas! I had my telehealth follow-up with my doctor, and she thought me a bit wacky for stressing about it so much. She told me to chill out, that it will happen when it happens. After talking to her, I did relax a bit, but not much. Mostly, I just wanted to be DONE with this! It’s such a weirdly stressful thing to pay so much attention to your bowels and trying to time when you poo and making sure you have the bucket to catch it. I’ve not been fully relaxed since I opened that box! I tried once more around lunch – I was sure this was the time – but no luck. I gave up, packed up the box, and brought it back home in shame.

Me imagining my coworkers knocking on the door

I was really optimistic that I could do it on Wednesday, since I was off work (to take Hubby for his labwork); if I could poo, I could take it to UPS and be done! But no… just farting. And let me say… Have you ever farted into a bucket? I have. It’s weird. The bucket is small, like a small popcorn bucket. My ass is big and effectively seals the entire rim of the bucket. Now imagine that you introduce air pressure, via your butthole, to this situation. It felt like the fart wanted to slip back up my butthole because there was nowhere else to go. And then when I leaned forward, there was this tiny little draft of air all around my butt cheeks, from the escaping air pressure.

At this point, I feel like my body is actively fighting me and this whole process. I mean, come on! It’s not normal to shit in a bucket, so subconsciously, my body is just refusing to do it. I’m not doing anything differently than I usually do. I haven’t changed my diet. I haven’t eaten more fiber than I typically do. I just can’t freakin’ poo.

So Thursday (the 26^th) comes around and I am thoroughly hating this entire thing. I haven’t pooped since Sunday morning (4+ days ago), but now I don’t want to poop! I’m back at work, and I have this fear of taking a humongous dookie after lunch and having to start the entire process over again. I only went to the bathroom once at work before lunch, and I was truly hoping that I could hold on until I got home.

…aaaaaaaand I pooped.

The only consolation is that it was kind of runny, so not a good specimen anyway, so I shouldn’t feel bad that I pooped without the bucket, but I still do. At this point, I decided to, well, let that shit go. As in, stop stressing. I’ll poo when I poo. And if I can’t “catch” it, I’ll just have to poo again. I felt a little weight lift off my shoulders when I made that decision and the rest of my day was much calmer. I didn’t even stress about it at all on Friday.

On Saturday, I did parkrun, took a friend home, picked up a bagel, went grocery shopping, picked up a soda, and finally – FINALLY – my body was ready to go! Oh yeah, let’s get that bucket!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to announce -

I pooped in the bucket!

I read the instructions again and did all the gross stuff. First, I got the tiny test tube thing and scraped my poop so they could have a tiny sample (why, I don’t know). Then I poured some magical chemical solution into the bucket itself to keep my poo nice and fresh. I sealed up the bucket and tube and put them back into the bag that was supposed to self-seal… and did not self-seal. I ended up taping it closed with packing tape! I looked up the hours of my local UPS store and saw that they were open until 4pm. I entertained the idea of going right then and picking up some lunch afterward (you know, as a reward), but I didn’t want to waste gas or time on a single errand, when instead, I could go later, on my way to picking Hubby up from work. I decided to leave the house about 3:15ish, drop off the box, then go get him. Any other time I’ve dropped something off, it’s been a simple process, and I didn’t expect this time to be any different.

I was so stress-free once I sealed up the box! No more thinking about poo! It was a lovely afternoon. I even took the time to make a silly video of the box in the passenger seat of the car, wearing a seatbelt to keep it safe as we drove to UPS. 

I walked in to the store and waited in line for a moment, when one of the employees came over to me to tell me that UPS had already picked up for the day and no pick-ups are made on Sundays! Oh shit.

She suggested that I use the Self-Serve machine to print a label then run outside to where the UPS truck was idling (seriously, she just did the pick-up) and give it to her. No sooner had I scanned the package and the label printed, did I see the truck slide on by, oblivious of the woman inside who had shit in a bucket for her…

Okay, so now what?

I asked a second employee what options I had – did they know of any UPS stores that were open later, maybe I could take it there? He suggested that I take it directly to the UPS warehouse; he said it was closed, but “there should be a bunch of employees around” that I could give my box to.

So me and my box got back in the car and I hauled ass a few miles north of town, hoping that I’d get lucky, because I was pissed now, like can NOTHING go right with this process?

When I got to the warehouse, it wasn’t just closed, it was closed closed. As in not open for walk-in business any more. Judging by the look of the signs on the door, there’s not been any time of customer entrance open for years! I drove around the entire property and there was not a single human being outside to whom I could give this box. I’m sure there were probably people inside, watching me drive by with a pissed off look on my face, but no one acknowledged me at all. All the trucks were tucked away tight for the night and all the roller doors were shut and locked. So I took my shit box home with me, like the worst consolation prize ever. Hubby asked me how my day was as we drove home (with my shit box in his lap) and I told him I was so damn frustrated I was ready to cry!  

When I got home, I pulled up Cologuard’s website to see if I could schedule a pick-up through them, but no luck. UPS doesn’t do any pick-ups on Sunday, either from stores or from personal locations. So… here is where I am… I have a bucket full of poo that needs to be shipped no later than tomorrow, but UPS doesn’t pick up tomorrow. Great. My plan, at this point, is to bring it back to the UPS store in the morning and drop it off. Yes, I know that it will sit there all day since there isn’t a pick-up on Sunday. No, I don’t care. I’m assuming at this point, by the time my dookie arrives at the lab, it will be too degraded to test, and I’ll have to do this all over again… I’ve resigned myself to this possibility. I’m happy to report that my special package was picked up on Monday, June 30^th.

I went way back for this one

As I sit here, defeated by a bucket and cute little mascot shaped like a bucket, I’m really wondering if doing a Pooper View (colonoscopy) would have been easier in the long run! At least with that, I knew that on Day 3, I did this. On Day 2, I did that. Day 1 was The Great Cleanse, and then I had the Pooper View. This whole bucket situation has just been a horrible waiting game with the worst prize ever.

I got an email from Cologuard on July 6^th, and to my surprise, it was my test results! They got my bucket and my poop was safe, yippee! I don’t have to do this again! Well, not for another 3 years anyway. I’m happy to announce that (as expected) my poo was negative for colon cancer.

Lazy Goes to the Doctor - Annual Wellness & Body Check Visit

After two years of focusing on Hubby and his health, I realized that it was time to take time for myself, too. As women, we often neglect our own health to ensure that other family members get the care that they need. Also, many women (like myself) often visit our Gynecologist once a year and call it good. We don’t get blood work. We don’t get physicals. We don’t talk about our general well-being at those appointments… It’s all about the specific biology that only females have, to ensure that they’re working right. We don’t think about the other 95% of our bodies!

So I set up an appointment with a doctor at my employer-sponsored clinic, hoping to focus on my weight, and get bloodwork done. She gave me a good once-over, checking reflexes and poking my soft spots (like my abdomen). Was I kind of hoping that I could get a GLP-1? Yeah. I’m 100 pounds overweight at this point. But I was advised that only one doctor in the clinic could prescribe those, because the insurance people were cracking down them (I guess doctors’ had been giving it out like candy!) And that doctor was really adamant that prospective GLP-1 patients show that they’ve been actively working on their weight and watching what they eat – she suggested that I use something like MyFitnessPal and track my calories for a few months. Combined with my Garmin app, I can use that to show Dr. GLP what I’ve been doing. Other than that, my doctor suggested the same tired suggestions of fewer carbs, eat plant-based, blah blah blah. She admonished me that if she was going to be my General Practitioner, I needed to always come to appointments as instructed, and follow her advice as much as possible, then told me that she’d follow up with me in 6 months to see how I’m doing. She also set me up with a ColoGuard test, for a colon cancer screening (instead of a true colonoscopy). Hubby’s gonna be so mad that I get the box and he had to do a full Pooper View!

After meeting with her, I had a full panel of labs done, and what a joke that was! The poor phlebotomist (like all phlebotomists) couldn’t find the vein in my left arm, thought she knew better than me, and tried to find it in my right arm. She called another phlebotomist over and they repeated the process. Then they called their supervisor over, who continued to strap me and poke me. She assumed no one could find it because I was dehydrated (LOL, as if), and brought me a cup of water to drink. They finally gave up on my arms and just stuck me in the back of my hand (like an old woman) and was able to draw blood that way.

After I hit up Panda Express for lunch (so healthy!), I went to my other appointment, my annual body check at the dermatologist. Nothing has been bothering me, in terms of questionable-looking spots, but I had a few moles that I wanted to remove. I'm so thankful that Dr. M is open to slicing off anything I want gone! This time around, I removed two from my thigh, two from my arm, and two from my back. All of them were benign, as expected (the gnarly, ugly ones are never the cancerous ones). So now, for the next two weeks I have to deal with the pain, itching, scabbing, scarring, and eventual healing. But once they heal, my skin will look much better! 

I had a follow-up telehealth visit with Dr. W and she seemed surprised that my numbers were as good as they were (you know, me being a fat ass and all). My Mean Corpuscular Hemoglobin Concentration (MCHC) being just slightly low (mine was 31.2, normal is 32). My Total HDL-C being slightly low (mine was 44, normal is above 50). My A1-C being slightly high (mine was  6.1, normal is under 5.7) Also, my B12 is okay but trending low, so she suggested I add a supplement if I feel icky or rundown. As for the prediabetes, she suggested things like chickpea pasta and sprouted bread, but nah... I'm not doing that... those sound disgusting. Instead, I plan to up my protein and fiber intakes so that I don't eat as many carbs period - I won't want chips if I'm full, right? I'm also going to add a fish oil to help with the HDL. 

So for now, I’m going to focus on shitting in a box, taking more supplements, to increase my iron and B12 levels, tracking my food intake, and losing a few pounds. We’ll see what everything looks like in November at my follow-up appointment.

(Just an interesting note... Depression is more prevalent in those with diabetes. I wonder if it's as prevalent in those with pre-diabetes?)

Appreciating My Limits

 Y'all, I'm slightly addicted to Reddit. Mostly, it's fun to read posts about cooking or tv shows or whatever, but sometimes I like to wade into the shit-filled ocean of political posts. Those posts make me hate humanity, because... WOW. 

But then, there's other posts that are non-political that end up being beneficial or even thought-provoking, like this one I read a few days ago. There was a post asking what you hated about your ageing body. Lots of comments about wrinkles, grey hair, creaky bones, etc. But then someone posted the opposite question - what do you love about your ageing body? Again, most people posted superficial things like "not having to color my hair," or "not having to please society and wear a bra." 

Yes it does! 

But there was one comment that really stuck with me and made me want to write this post. She said that she appreciated her limits. She acknowledged her age, her physicality, and what she could or couldn't do anymore. I realized that I had begun to do the same thing, though I didn't realize it until I read that comment. 

I'm not 20 anymore. I can't do all the things all the time anymore. And that's okay. It's not a failure if I can't carry all of the groceries in from the car in one trip. I'm not a loser if I don't sign up for every extra-curricular activity available. I'm not a quitter if I take a break from running and just walk instead. I'm not a wussy for skipping a gym day because of a headache.

Once I started to see this, my entire outlook changed! There's nothing wrong with slowing down! I don't have to keep acting like I'm fine all the time, like I'm a Boss Babe or whatever. I'm almost 50. My body is tired. I can ask for help. I can put things off. I can modify decisions. 

Of course this doesn't mean that I'm just going to curl up on the couch and be a potato for the next 40 years. It just means that I have realized that I can't - and no longer need to - hang with the young'uns anymore, and that's fine! 

Third-Party Benefits Administrators Suck

When I last updated you, we were back from Tampa, and shit was hitting the fan... 

If you remember, at the end of January, Hubby missed some time at work, so he submitted a Leave of Absence to cover his ass. He swore up and down that Sedgwick never sent him anything other than a confirmation email (like a "we got your request" kind of email). He waited around for almost a month, because last time we did this whole dance, he was told he wasn't allowed to go to work until the Leave was approved... So he'd just been sitting home all day, every day, waiting for an email or a phone call from them. 

So we waited.... 

... and waited... 

... and waited some more.

January became February. We celebrated my 18th Year Quit with some cake (and subsequent gastro issues again, interesting). Mid-February, he wondered if just going back in to work would force Sedgwick to do something... at this point, we thought that there was a glitch in the system and Sedgwick forgot to send us paperwork, so they didn't know that they were waiting for us to return paperwork. During this entire period, he never got a reminder email or phone call. No one from his work called to check on his status. It was just radio silence the entire time. He had requested a full week off for Gasparilla, so when that week was over, he decided it was time to go back to work, and Sedgwick be damned. So on Monday, March 3, he was up and moving around and back to work. No problems, everyone was happy to have him back, but at 3:30 - after a full shift at work - HR called him into the back and told him that on February 27th, Sedgwick denied his Leave of Absence for not returning paperwork! 

At this point, he had the option to appeal the denial and hope that it was approved, because otherwise, he would be fired. Walmart has a Point System for infractions. Things like No Call, No Show, or leaving too early, or coming in too late; you get points for these things, and if an employee collects 5 or more points, it's an automatic termination. (Points expire 6 months after they're received). As of March, he had three points on his record, and a Denied Leave Request would garner two points. 

Who wants to do the math? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? 

Yes, that's correct. My husband, who has worked here for almost three decades, would be fired for something as stupid as a denied Leave of Absence. As you can imagine, he was pissed off about this whole situation. 

I suggested that he might "sweet talk" the Store Manager into removing one or two of those points (SMs have the unilateral ability to remove points for almost any reason), which would put Hubby in a safe spot, in case the appeal is also denied. 

The next day, he was up bright and early, on the phone with Sedgwick, and the person he spoke with was, thankfully, very nice. They said that paperwork was emailed to him on January 20th. He went back to that email (you know, that "we got your request" email I mentioned?) and lo and behold, there was a PDF attached to that email! I'm still frosty that in all the times he checked his email, he never saw the little paperclip icon that's right at the top of the email, near the date! He didn't even have to scroll down to the attachment at the bottom! 

(This was the only email I still had with an attachment!)

Anyway, He forwarded the email to me to print at work, but the paperwork looked different from the forms we got last year. This one talked about Short-Term Disability instead of Leave of Absence. So, he got on the phone with them again to request a new set of forms, but they just sent the same forms as the old forms. So we just went with it. 

I went through and filled in a lot of the basic info (name, address, etc), then used MyChart to send the forms over to Dr. R, who'd seen him for his chest pain in January, with a plea of please do this or he might get fired! I called the office to ask what their turn-around time was on forms, and the receptionist said that it would take a week! Thankfully, Dr. R saw the urgency, and got them back to me the following day. I had Hubby sign his parts, then scanned the entire thing at work the following morning. I both faxed them and emailed them to Sedgwick, getting confirmations for both methods. 

So now, we wait...

He did get confirmation from Sedgwick that as long as the store manager allows it, he can continue to work during the appeal process, so he went back on March 6, and except for a single day here and there, he's had no issues. He's not been sleeping as heavily as before, but a little more deeply than normal. No gastro issues that I've been able to discern. 

And on a selfish note, him getting back to normal means that I can get back to normal (even though, yes, I know that he was never barring me from doing anything to begin with); I'm back at the gym doing cardio 4-5 times a week, back at parkrun, and just feeling generally better all the way around. 

❗❗❗ UPDATE ❗❗❗ 

It is May 2nd today, and I'm relieved knowing that there are three points that will expire at the end of the day today, so even if the appeal is denied, he won't be fired because of points. We still haven't gotten any documentation or emails from Sedgwick, but at this point, I don't think it matters too much. Starting tomorrow, he'll only have one point on his file, and the denied Leave will only add two points, so he'll be safe at three total points. 

However, he's used up pretty much all of his PTO (combined Vacation and Sick Leave hours), so there's no options for taking time off any time soon! No vacations or road trips in our future. It's put your head down and grind it out time. 

Potatoes & Parkrunners - Spud Run 5k Race Report 2025

Clockwise from me: Ava, Kristen, Luis, Samuel, Cliff, Jon, Dustin, Troy

I've never been a trendsetter before, but you guys! I spread enough awareness of this run amongst my parkrun people that there were a bunch of us there! Whenever a group of us at parkrun are standing around, it never fails that we talk running and races! Last year, two people heard me talking about Spud Run and they ran it (I didn't know this at the time). A few weeks ago, I saw one of the guys wearing the 2024 shirt, and we started chatting about it, and he told me that he never would have known about it if not for me. As we were talking, another person asked about it, so I told them about it, and they told me the following week that they signed up to do it in April. Word got around and by race day, I think we were up to almost 10 people! Luis, Cliff, John, and Samuel all did the 15k challenge, where they ran the 10k first then the 5k. The rest of us just did the 5k. 

I got there pretty early and got a good parking spot really close to the starting area. The library was closed off this year, so packet pickup was outside. I got my bib and shirt, and I was a little frosty... They didn't have any 2X shirts - why offer them if you aren't going to order them?! The XL fit, but is definitely tighter than I'd like, so for now, it's been relegated to a "hang around the house" shirt. I picked up my bag of potatoes and brought everything back to the car. I walked toward the finish line to cheer on any 10k parkrun finishers, but I could see Clifford's Big Red Truck and he was already done, so I made my way over there instead. We BS'd for a while then I went looking for others. I found Luis, who said that he finished the 10k in about 40 minutes! After that I found Kristen & Troy, the rest of our parkrun people, did the group shot (above) then lined up for the 5k. 

I tried, y'all... I was looking forward to getting some running in, but my IT Band was not happy, so by Mile 1, I went back to straight walking. Kristen & Troy caught up with me and we walked together for about a mile, then took off on their own intervals (they finished maybe two minutes before me). 

I actually beat my 2024 time, coming in at 56:32, wow! 278th out of 317 total finishers, I was the 160th female (out of 190) and the last finisher in my age group.  

Yes, that medal is shaped like a potato!

Finish Line Video

Afterward, we all picked up our potatoes (I got a second bag, in lieu of cabbage) and went our separate ways for the day. I was kind of bummed, because I'd psyched my introverted self up for a group breakfast or something, but at the same time I was relieved that I didn't have to suffer through a group breakfast or something. 

These potatoes were so freakin' delicious!

I changed clothes and got a soda at the nearby RaceTrac then spent the day shopping around St. Augustine. I was on a mission to find a nice pair of work pants and/or a nice dress that made me feel pretty. I've been feeling down on myself lately, and I wanted to change that. 

First stop was Bealls Florida, which I thought was going to be a Beall's Outlet, but was actually their department store. I've actually never been in a Bealls Department store! Their Plus Size section was a good size, but their dress selection was small. I found a cute A-line dress that fit well, only made me look like a small tent, but none of the patterns were cute on me. I found a few cute shirts, but they didn't fit well (either too big or too tight across the bust). This store is interesting in that it truly is just how they advertise... "The Florida Store." All of the clothing was light, breezy fabrics that would be cool in the Florida sunshine. Lots of pineapples, flamingoes, nautical, or tropical vibes. The only problem is that I'm not much of a Florida fashion kind of gal. So all I ended up with was a blousy blue top and a cool running hat with a hole in it for a ponytail (I've been wanting one of these, and this one was on clearance for about ten bucks!)

Next up, I checked out the Burlington; now, I always have pretty good luck at the Burlington in my town, but boy, oh, boy... this Burlington was nasty. It looked like the store was going out of business, and there was about a month left before it closed its doors for good, and management didn't give a shit if the store looked good anymore. It wasn't going out of business, of course, but it looked that way... The Ladies fitting room was closed and blocked off by two tables full of clearance items and surrounded by carts full of junk. The wired locks that secured the more expensive purses were just dangling from hooks in the purse section. There was random crap on the floor. Racks were picked over and messy and overstuffed so you couldn't move stuff around. After about five minutes of walking around and trying not to flee from the ick of it all, I gave up... I felt like I was in a thrift shop where bad things happen in the back. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE thrift shops! 

Okay, so that was a bust; I regrouped with a corn dog and pretzel from Sonic then headed over to my all-time favorite Dollar Tree and found lots of goodies to bring home! I got some snacks, some root beer, a ready-to-finish vase, and some fake flowers to make a few new arrangements for my office. I bought a bunch of acrylic (okay, plastic) drawer organizers, but now that I'm back home, lord only knows what I'm going to use them for... It seemed like a smart buy at the time, I swear!

Next up, I wandered around Beall's Outlet, since I was still on a mission for pants and dresses, but they had nothing, so I went over to Marshall's. I was ready to give up at this point... These types of stores rarely have anything Plus Size, and if they do, it's of the Clown or Tent variety, so I didn't even look for anything really... I ended up with some undies and a bag of Butter Toffee popcorn. 

At this point, I was super-tired (I've been dealing with some PMS-like symptoms this week), so I decided to call it a day. I picked up some Chick-fil-A nuggets and a drink and made my way home. 

Three...! Two...! WTF?

Ladies of a certain age, I know you feel me on this one!

There is this common misconception that Menopause is a thing that lasts for years and years, a ceaseless torment that must be battled, to get to the other side, where a woman can finally enter her Crone Era. I'm here to tell you that isn't true. 

Menopause is not a decades-long hell that we all must suffer. It is but an instantaneous blip in our womanhood, a blink and you'll miss it moment. Because Menopause is simply the ceasing of menstruation. One moment, I'm a young female who menstruates, and the next moment, I am an old female who no longer menstruates. Boom. Just like that. Menopause is when periods stop for good. It's "diagnosed" after twelve full months without a period - including vaginal bleeding or spotting. Typically, menopause happens around 51 years old. 

I can hear you out there, you young folks... Why is my mom so crazy then, huh? What's she dealing with? Ah, youngsters, let me tell you... 

That's our good friend, Perimenopause! That is what everyone misconstrues as Menopause. THAT'S thing that lasts for years and years, a ceaseless torment that must be battled, to get to the other side, where a woman can finally enter her Crone Era. It's that transitional time before Menopause. During this time, estrogen levels begin to decrease, you get those well-known hot flashes, and irregular periods. You don't want to get freaky with your spouse. You have a dry vag, so even if you wanted  to get freaky, it probably would hurt. You need to pee all the time. You can't sleep. You sweat through the sheets (and we all know it's not because you got freaky... we already covered that). Your PMS symptoms get worse. You have mood swings, irritability, or depression (huh... I just did a post about that!). 

{gravelly voice}: I gotta look pretty!

Peri can start as early as your mid-30s, or start as late as your mid-50s, though most women start in their 40s. Some chicks are lucky and it's over in a short amount of time while others suffer for years. So what's happening up in there? Well, your hormones are changing; your estrogen is decreasing, which throws off the balance of progesterone, like a little hormone rollercoaster. Eventually, your body will begin to make so little estrogen that your ovaries no longer release eggs, you stop having your period, and you lose the ability to get pregnant. Oh, but hold on... during that rollercoaster, if you did avoid the dry vag and you did get freaky with your spouse, you could still be just fertile enough to get pregnant! In your 40s! Oh hell, no. Kids are great and all, but I certainly don't want to look like Grandma Yetta at my kid's graduation!

Anyway, Peri typically starts about 8-10 years before Official Menopause, and typically takes about 4 years (though, god help me, it could take almost a decade). And how do you know you're in Peri? That's the best part... you don't, really! Every woman is different and every woman experiences it differently. But generally speaking, the first sign is typically irregular or missing periods. You may start to sputter out with a few months of light to spotting periods, and then skip one or two, then chug along with another light month, then a spotting month... think of an old car engine, how it keeps trying and trying until it finally gives up. One day, your system just gives up. You won't really know it's given up unless you track this stuff, or do some backward counting. Now, if I were a highly-organized woman, I would be keeping track of these things, but I never do... I start to, but then after a few months I forget. All I can say is that it's been quite a while with no Panty Action down there. 

Until last week. 

Yep. It's time to reset the clock back to zero and resume counting again. 

Last week, maybe around April 15, I was having horrible bloating and abdominal pain. Funnily, it's been so long since I dealt with PMS, that my brain didn't immediately think of "that time of the month." I thought there was something wrong with me! Maybe I pulled a muscle at the gym on Monday. Maybe I ate something that didn't agree with me. There wasn't any bleeding or spotting so I was really confused! I just kind of dealt with it, but when I woke up on Thursday, it was bad enough that I would have played hookey from work, if I didn't have a huge meeting to run. I popped a Gas-X, hoping that would take care of the bloating and went to work. I was miserable all freaking day. 

All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball for a week, but I had a Mommy-Daughter day planned with my mom on Friday the 18th, and I knew that she was looking forward to that. So I popped some Aleve and soldiered on, having a great day with my mom; we went out to a place called Weeki Wachee Preserve and walked for about 2.5 miles or so, relaxed at home, then had lunch at Long John's before I had to head home. 

On Saturday, there was less bloating, but still I was feeling crampy and miserable. I walked at parkrun and didn't do much after that! Sunday was Easter, and the gym was closed, so I headed out to a local trail I'd been wanting to explore. It was a nice 3 miles, mostly shaded, slightly sandy, and harder than expected. 

 

By Monday morning, I felt like hot buttered ass, so I only did 20 minutes at the gym before admitting defeat and coming home. My feet were super-swollen all day Monday and Tuesday (so bad I could barely get my loosest-fitting sandals on!). Back at work on Tuesday, I saw it... the slightest bit of pink on the TP. Believe me when I tell you I just kind of stared at it in shock. Oh HELL NO. But there it was, all day long, the littlest bit of spotting and a teeny-tiny blob in the toilet. 

Oh, but wait... is this truly a period, or am I having issues with my IUD? My brain latched on to this in both a hopeful and apprehensive way. On the one hand, maybe it's not my period, so I'm still on the Menopause Countdown, but on the other hand, that meant I'd need to go to the gyno and have the IUD removed and replaced... Neither of these were good situations, really. So I waited it out a few more days to see what was going to happen. If it was a period, it'd be over in a few days, but if it was the IUD, I would continue to be miserable. 

As of today, the bloating is just about gone, my feet are no longer swollen, and there's no more Panty Action. I'm going to call it a period and start the countdown over. 

Today is Day 9 of 365. 

Sigh.

What If This Was the Depresh?

The past year has been hard. Hell, the past two years have been hard. Mostly emotionally (at least for me), but physically for Hubby. I’ve worried about his health. I’ve worried about his paycheck. I’ve worried about our finances. I dealt with the loss of a beloved pet. It’s been a roller-coaster of things are horrible then things are better then things kind of suck then things are okay then WTF is happening??? I think last winter, I just kind of checked out… I had to come to grips with the death of Clover just a few months after realizing that there was a possibility that Hubby simply no longer cared about his own medical issues and wasn’t going to do anything about it, thus making me face some deep truths about the change of losing him far too soon. 

The new year came around, and I was just… existing? I don’t know how to really qualify what I was feeling. I just didn’t give a single shit about anything. I wasn’t in a good mood, I wasn’t in a bad mood, I was just moving throughout my daily life like I was in a fog. I didn’t have any motivation to do anything fun or new. I used Hubby’s issues as a way to skip a lot of things that I should have been doing (like parkrun, gym, shopping, etc). I was moving from one day to another with blinders on, just doing daily tasks because I had to, not because I wanted to. Thinking about it now, I feel like there are large swaths of time that I cannot differentiate between other times, like all of January is a blur. 

A few weeks ago, Hubby was able to get back to work, and (knock on wood) things seem to be getting back to “normal,” or at least our version of normal. I take him to work, which means that I have no excuse not to go to the gym. So I’ve been going back to the gym. And I’ve been going back to parkrun. And we’ve been eating better on a normal dinner-time schedule. And we’ve been sleeping better. 

And I began to wonder…

Did I just make it to the other side of depression? Like, is that a thing that you can suffer from and then get better, without the help of anyone else or meds or anything? 

According to SAMHSA (Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration), there are multiple types of Depression. I feel like, if actually diagnosed, I’d fall in “Major Depressive Disorder” or “Persistent Depressive Disorder.” To be diagnosed with any type of depression, doctors say that a person would need to have symptom(s) every day for at least two weeks. I looked over the long list, and I saw many symptoms that hit home, including: 

Continuous low mood or sadness

The amount of times I’ve caught myself walking around the house, or sitting on the couch, and just letting out a huge sigh for absolutely no reason is massive, so I can imagine that there were plenty of times I did it and didn’t hear myself.

Feeling hopeless or helpless

I can’t really put a concrete example for this, but I know I felt it… It was more of a I suck at X so why do I even bother? kind of feeling. I'd randomly look at my messy house, or slow run time, and just feel... stuck... like I can't change anything.

Feeling irritable and intolerant of others

This being a symptom caught me off-guard, because it happened a lot and I just thought that I was being bitchy. But oh yeah, this was a big one. I’d snip at Hubby. I’d yell at people in other cars while I was driving. I’d make snide comments about my coworkers. I'd attack people online. 

Having no motivation or interest in things

I was perfectly content to watch YouTube videos and read Reddit for hours at a time. I didn’t want to read a book, or go to the park, or do anything new. I didn't want to clean the house or cook dinner or bake cookies. I wanted to fart around and do nothing. 

Not taking care of yourself (not showering, not cleaning your living space)

This is actually the symptom that made me look into what was wrong with me… Eh fuck it, I’ll shower tomorrow was said many-a time in my head. Who cared what I looked like, especially if I was going to work from home the next day. Or, I could just wear pants to work instead of shaving. Or, I could just put my hair up instead of washing it so it looks fresh and curly. And I didn’t care that my home office was a hot mess, my kitchen was nasty, or that the backseat of my car was covered with random jackets and hoodies. I didn't take into account that my husband deserved clean home and a wife that smelled nice. I didn't take into account that my coworkers deserved a put-together employee. I didn't take into account that *I* deserved to be clean and surrounded by cleanliness. 

Not getting any enjoyment out of life

Looking back now, there hasn’t been a lot of smiling and laughing, and I love laughing. You know that “heh” smile you give people when they show you something that they find hilarious, but you don’t? Yeah, I feel like I did that a lot.

Changes in appetite (decreased, not wanting to eat)

This is another surprise, but I totally see it… I love junk food. I have an entire shelf in the dining room dedicated solely to my junk food. I was organizing our pantry over the weekend, and I realized that my shelf was overflowing with tons of snacks that I’m just hadn't been eating… none of it calls to me, none of it looks good. Some of it just requires too much effort (like opening a bag of chips is too much work, because then I’ll have to find a container to put it in so it doesn’t go bad… so I just don’t open it). 

Unexplained aches and pains

UNexplained? Maybe yes, maybe no… Have I felt extremely achy over the past few months? Yes. Is it simply because of this, or because I’ve been sitting on my ass for hours on end instead of taking care of myself, because of this? I don’t know.  

Lack of energy

Same as above, really… Am I drained simply because of depression, or because I sit on my ass for hours (a body at rest will remain at rest, and all that)… I don’t know.

Loss of libido

So, I didn’t think of this either! TMI, but we’ve not been intimate for months and months and months… Sometimes I’d be in the mood, but he’d be in pain. Then he’d be in the mood, but I felt like ass. I haven’t felt “sexy” in months.

Disturbed or Disordered Sleep (hard to fall asleep, stay asleep, or waking up very early)

There was a stretch of time around the beginning of the year when this was a problem. I’d be awake until 11pm at least, with a racing brain, then I’d sleep like death until around 3am, wake up to pee, then be awake again for an hour. There’d be many mornings that I’d wake up at 5:30am or so, and just stare at the ceiling until the alarm with off 45 minutes later

Neglecting hobbies or interests

I’d been calling this “lack of willpower” but I think now it’s something deeper. If I had no concrete reason to be awake at 7am, I was skipping gym and parkrun.  I haven’t gone out on a trail (for walking) in forever. I didn’t care about this blog or our YouTube video (making or editing) - I have five videos just sitting on my hard drive right now, waiting for me to edit and post them. I haven’t baked anything delicious because it’s just too much… I didn’t even really make Christmas cookies this year! I haven’t read a book in months because I just don’t care. 

Avoiding contact with friends or social activities

Most of my friends and social activities revolve around parkrun, and there were plenty of weeks where I just skipped out on going, or skipped the after-event coffee, so that I didn’t have to be social.

Thankfully, I never had more serious symptoms, like thoughts of death and suicide, attempting suicide, or any sort of self-harm behaviors. 

I found this bit of information especially interesting… Depression often hurts physically as well as emotionally, because the same biochemicals that influence your mood also affect how your body affects pain. Things like headaches, back pain, muscle aches, digestive problems, fatigue, sleeping problems, lightheadedness, or changes in appetite may all be due to depression. 

Depression can often come on gradually, so it can be difficult to notice that something is wrong, which is probably why I can only see it, in hindsight. While I was dealing with it, I just felt like I was moving through a pool of maple syrup or something. Depression is a compounding problem. Just feeling down, or just feeling irritable isn’t a huge deal. But behaviors + thoughts + feelings + physical symptoms can all interact and combine to keep depression going, making it harder to overcome. It’s a big nasty snowball that just rolls over you. 

If I’d reached out for help, my doctor would probably have started with a few different options, including self-help, talking therapies, and medicine. If depression seems mild (like mine), a wait and see approach may be the best option, to see if it resolves itself. Doctors or therapists may suggest guided self-help like a workbook or online course. Probably something like HeadSpace (which I hate). 

Ironically, there is a lot of evidence that exercise can help depression, and it’s one of the main treatments for mild depression… But if you see above, many of my symptoms include me skipping out on exercise or parkrun! 

Another lifestyle “treatment” is setting small, achievable goals; setting realistic goals to build confidence and motivation, such as making your bed, taking a walk, or doing a load of dishes. I began to notice I subconsciously did this – and felt better when I did the task. I would often set a goal of doing a simple load of dishes or finishing a load of laundry. They were easy tasks that I needed to do, and completing them made me feel accomplished, like I “did something” that day. 

So, in the past few weeks, I think I have unconsciously pulled myself out of a bout of depression I didn’t even know I was in? I feel like getting back into a daily routine has given me structure in my day to do what I used to do, which is what has pulled me above water. Like, I can’t skip the gym, because I have to take him to work anyway, and if I go directly home, he’ll get a notification from the safety alarm that I went home at 7am, and he’ll know I’m a quitter. He wouldn’t give a shit if I went home. I know he wouldn’t give a shit if I went home. But, in my head, him knowing that I didn’t go would confirm that I’m a quitter, and THAT’S the feeling that I want to avoid. Does that make sense to anyone other than me? So to avoid that feeling, I go to the gym. And then I get the good endorphins. And my brain is happy. So I go home and take a shower. And I feel soft and curly and clean. And my brain is happy. So I eat breakfast and lunch and dinner. And I feel full and sated and satisfied. And my brain is happy. So I fall asleep quickly and stay asleep through the night. And I feel refreshed when I awaken. And my brain is happy. 

But what do I do if this happens again? How do I recognize that I’m drowning before I drown? I don’t think I know the answer to that; I may not know what to do until it happens. I’m hopeful that I will recognize it next time, since I know what to look for now, but spiraling is a horrible thing, and I know that I could very easily spiral right back down to where I was earlier before I see a problem. I guess I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it. Until then, I’ll stay positive and try to keep my routines. They seem to be my Constant, what keeps me tethered to real life (IYKYK).

If you, or someone you know, is struggling or in crisis, help is available. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available for those facing mental health struggles, emotional distress, substance use concerns, or those who just need someone to talk to. You can call or text 988, chat at 988lifeline.org (deaf/HoH here). You will be able to speak with a trained Crisis Counselor any time day or night. All conversations are free and confidential. 988 is driven by area codes, so you’ll be routed to a Counselor in the location of your area code, no matter where you are geographically (this means that if you live in NYC but you have a 305 area code, you’ll speak to a counselor in Miami); if you would prefer to speak to someone local, you can request to be transferred to a local Counselor.  

Take care of yourself, my lovelies. Life is hard. Sometimes you just need some extra help to get through it. 

The Universe Told Me I Could Do This - Gate River Run 2025

After doing Gasparilla last week (after a completely shitty 2024 of no training, no gym, no nothing really), I honestly didn't know if I should - or could - do another 15k just six days later. I thought on it for a few days, vacillating between let's do this! and fuck it, stay in bed!, and finally decided to just follow my heart and do whatever it told me to do. 

On Friday, I didn't even want to go, but I got all my stuff together anyway - my plan was to go and at least pick up my bib and swag. And if I didn't want to do it, I remembered that, last year, there was an option to turn in my bib and have my medal mailed to me a week later. Either way (doing it or not), I'd have my medal. 

Waking up on Saturday, I felt, I don't know... optimistic? I wasn't feeling fuck yeah let's do this about it, but more like I can do this, yeah, I think I can do this. I made really good time to Jacksonville, until I hit the usual traffic jam at Arlington. All I wanted to do was park in Lot J (which would be close to the Expo, so I didn't get lost), and like a dumbass, I thought I was smarter than the other million people here, and tried to find a different way to access Lot J. I drove away from Arlington, over near the parking garage, past the parking garage, but as I got near Lot J, they waved us away from the lot because it was already full (at 7am, wow!). So I continued to follow traffic, in a big-ass circle, until they brought us back over near the garage, where I sat in stand-still traffic for probably 20 minutes! I was beginning to fume and get angry... If I wanted to actually do this race (and the anger seemed to point that way), I still needed to park, walk over to the Expo and get my bib, then get to the actual start line! 

An estimate of my route to find parking

I accepted my fate at this point, assuming that there was some reason that I wasn't going to be able to participate. Traffic began to move, but I had no idea where they were sending us, because I gave up and slipped into a random parking lot with a $10 Parking sign. I realized that my wallet was in the truck, but thankfully, I have a card stored in my Garmin Watch, so I was able to NFC pay. We live in the future, y'all, so cool. 

As I parked, I realized that I was parking in the old expo area (the Jax Fairgrounds area), which was a huge win because I knew exactly where I was, and more importantly, how to get back to my car. 

I geared up, putting on my sneakers and stuffing my pockets, but not really rushing; it was already 8am at this point, and I assumed that there was no way that I'd make it to packet pickup and back to my wave before it took off. The expo was at Daily's Place this year, on the front side of the stadium. The inside was nicely organized (and probably much busier when the Expo was actually open). I was able to pick up my shirt, bib, and bag, but they ran out of pint glasses, which ticked me off; if I paid a fee for swag, I should get all the swag. 

The National Anthem started while I was still inside the expo building, and it kind of deflated my balloon... I really didn't know if I'd make it back to my wave before the race started (though, in hindsight, I forgot that my wave takes off more than 20 minutes after the speedy folks, lol). 

Let's go!

After the anthem, the Race Announcer said that they were going to postpone the start for 10 minutes, due to a disabled vehicle on the Main Street Bridge. I think that 10 minute delay was The Universe's way of helping me out, man. The Universe held up 15,000 people so that I could make it to my wave. The Universe is awesome. So I pinned on my bib and made my way over to The Pink Wave, which was actually right outside of Daily's Place. Getting there around 8:20, there was enough time for me to pee, pack my swag into my waist pack, and still had to wait about 10 minutes before I could sneak into the back of The Purple Wave. 

Okay, so now that I'm actually starting this race... can I finish this race? Who knows! Let's find out!

The course had a few changes from last year, though I feel like I say this every single year, because of the never-ending construction around the stadium. The start went straight down Gator Bowl Boulevard, instead of the "back way" from the past few years. I didn't plan on busting my ass for a good finish time... I just wanted to go as far as I could without hurting myself, and if it turned out I could go all the way, well then good for me! But if there was any reason to quit (other than I'm tired or I don't wanna), I was going to listen to my body and quit. 

Shoofie!

Getting up and over the Main Street bridge was a little rough, but I survived. I could feel the months and months of skipping cardio, that's for sure! I did a little running on the downhill, feeling okay (the only running I did, though). I checked in with my body at the 5k mark, and I felt good - no muscle aches, no breathing troubles, no issues to be found. I peeled off my sweatshirt and tied it around my waist and kept going. 

River Road was cacophonous and much more raucous than previous years. As I got on Hendricks, I saw some old geezer standing on the side of the road, waving his hand over his head, looking for someone, and I realized it was a friend of mine from parkrun! I knew that S and A were coming, but I didn't know anyone else was coming! So I walked with C and J until the corner and then they sped up and took off again (and by "took off" I mean they just walked faster than me, but I think that's because C had to pee). Knowing that I had some friends on the course with me (besides super-speedy S) gave me a little pep in my step, since I wasn't alone. 

Feeling so much better than 2024

At the 6 Mile Flag on Atlantic, I was still feeling pretty good; this is where I knew I had to quit two years ago, so I was happy to keep going. C & J passed me again (C finally got to pee, and they got behind me at some point). 

J & C kinda looking like Luigi & Mario

Mile 7 was deemed The Sober Mile by the people who were volunteering there, and The Sombrero Guy was giving out hugs, so I took him up on it. As I gave him a huge, strong hug (I really needed a hug, apparently), I thanked him for the Sober, since this is a very drunk race. He truly appreciated that thanks, so I'd wager that he is sober for a specific reason. I got an ice cold bottle of water and tucked it into my bra to drink on the bridge (though the ice in my Nathan was doing well still). 

Soon....

And finally, it was time. I stopped to stretch before I got on the entrance ramp. I took stock of what was hurting (though at that point, I damn sure wasn't gonna quit) - my feet hurt, of course, some vague pain in my legs, mostly along the outside, from my butt to my shins. But not major system malfunctions! I can do this! I chose to stop right before the Mile 8.3 flag for a photo op and to catch my breath before tackling the most uphill part of the entire bridge, then I just put my head down and trudged on until I got to the apex of the bridge itself. Music was pumping, everyone was woo-hooing, people driving by were honking, it was a party!

It was HARD this year, y'all

And then it was all downhill. 

Let's go, let's go, let's GO!

All the race promos said that the finish line was right at the bottom of the bridge but they were full of shit… I kept looking for flags and balloons and shit, but there was nothing. Oh the finish line is way over there at the start line! (And by way over there, I meant maybe .2 miles, but STILL!) 

Did they walk the entire way like this? 

At the bottom of the exit ramp on Gator Bowl Blvd, there was a marching band, but more importantly, there were some cutie patootie kiddos handing out popsicles! Oh, you know I got a popsicle! I ate a few bites of it then chucked it in the bushes, tucked my water bottle in the waistband of my skirt and crossed the finish line with my hands held high!

This wasn't the photo I was aiming for, but I love it!

I did it, I did it!!

My official time was 3:09:34. 

My 5k time was 59:23, and my 10k time was 2:01:42.

I was the 7,184th out of 7,318 total Females, and 686th out of 698 in my age group. 

I was the 13,600th finisher out of 13,860 total finishers (so, I only finished in front of 259 other people!)

I got a bottle of water and my medal, then veered off to the side of the chute to stretch my calves. For some reason, I put my head down on the railing and I just started crying, like crying crying! Thankfully, I was right in front of a speaker, so no one heard me! I have no idea why I was crying, either. Because I did it? Because I finished? Because I didn't hurt myself? I don't know. But I gave in to it and let myself sob for a minute or so, then got my shit back together and took a finish photo. 

My shirt is all jacked up because of my waist pack and sweatshirt

I looked around for any familiar faces, but didn't see any. I'd kind of hoped to see at least C & J hanging out and cheering me on at the finish line. Not finding anyone, I headed over to where I thought the after-party was. But... Where the hell was the party? All I saw were pavilions and team tents over by the bathrooms, and then a pretty waterfront area (Jax is in the process of rebuilding or improving this entire area). I sat down on a nearby bench and transferred things from my waist pack over to my swag bag, caught my breath, then walked over to the waterfront for a few selfies. 

So, it's not quite as big as my head, but it's pretty big

As I walked over to the water, I saw another sidewalk that led past a thick tree line, but it didn't seem like there was a party over there... I just thought that people were just making their way back to their cars. When I got home, I pulled up Google Maps and saw that I fell victim to Run Brain! The party was definitely behind the tree line! I also found out later that S, C, J, and even B (who finished 30 minutes ahead of me) were all looking for me afterward - I felt so bad! 

This is the map from the GRR Website; I was over on the left side where it says Team Tents

Anyway, after walking around the not-the-party area like a zombie, I gave up and headed back to my car, thankfully parked in a place that I knew exactly how to get to! I sat on Google Maps for a while, trying to decide what I wanted to eat (while watching the traffic at a stand-still as everyone else tried to leave the area). I hurt too much to stand in line at Safe Harbor, as much as I would love some fresh seafood, so I settled on Culver's and then shopping my way out of town. I made my way to a local gas station to change and get a Pepsi. I indulged in cheese curds and buffalo chicken fingers, but was far too stuffed to indulge in a caramel sundae afterward. I also ended up skipping any shopping; my legs were stiffening up, and though walking would have been smart, it was already almost 2pm and I needed to get home. 

************************************************************************************

Race Notes

Location: Jacksonville, FL

Host: 1st Place Sports

Race Fee: $81 ($55 Race, $8 extra for 3XL shirt, $10 extra for Day of Race Packet Pickup, $6.30 Refund Protection, $6.74 Processing Fee, -$5 Early Bird Promo Code)

Packet Pickup: Hectic to get to, quiet inside

Parking: Get there EARLY! Seriously, 90 minutes early or more!

Support: This is the biggest party race I’ve ever done, with tons of neighborhood support, but no on-course Gatorade or Fuel 

After Party: Highly lacking options besides beer, water, and bananas (according to those who actually found the party!)

Results: https://my.raceresult.com/326628/results#1_600DC3