I Forgot How Much I Love Him

You guys might want to pull up a chair. This is quite a read, but I really felt like I needed to share it. Mostly for cathartic reasons. Maybe because I felt like if I reached one middle-aged wife out there, I'd be able to change her mind... 



I graduated high school and started college in 1995. I lived at home with my mom and didn't date much. In January of 1996, I met Hubby, while hanging out with is friend "A". I don't classify what "A" and I did as dating, but it could have been seen that way.

"A" lured me to dinner with the promise of scallops. I love scallops. He meant Scalloped Potatoes. I was not happy.

My first date with Hubby was actually on Valentine's Day. He worked at a donut store (you know, the one America runs on?) and I was there with "A" and some other friends. I stayed with Hubby all night, and I actually took him home while my mom was out of town for work (sorry, Mom!).

I moved in with him (oooh, shacking up!) in March, and we got engaged in April. I can't explain it. I couldn't explain it then... there was something there. I felt it. No, I wasn't pregnant (I was asked that A LOT.) We got married at the county courthouse in June.

It's an absolutely horrible photo... but look how skinny I was!

We were happy together, but very poor. I was in college and working at the same donut store. The long hours, the lack of money made for a very volatile first year, and we still say that if we made it through that first year, we can make it though anything. We also tried that year to get pregnant, but we never had any luck (but it was damn sure fun to try!) He had such a charisma about him. He could look at me and I'd crawl right back in to bed, or skip a Girl's Night Out. All I wanted to do was be with him.

Hubby lost his job in the spring of 1997, right about the time I discovered I was pregnant. Good timing, right? My early pregnancy was hard - I lost 30 pounds because of morning sickness (so much that my mom thought I was anorexic!) I continued to work and go to school during my pregnancy, but I also lost my job that summer. Luckily, I was able to get a job at Wendy's by autumn. We moved into a slightly better crack-house of a trailer in the winter and our Kiddo was born in January of 1998.

There's supposed to be a maternal glow? I don't see no glow...

After Kiddo was born, Hubby began working nights, first as a telemarketer, then at the Largest Retailer in the World. I stayed in school, but went at night (on days he didn't work), and worked during the day.

One of my most favorite photos of Hubby & the Kiddo

We hardly saw each other, but I was happy knowing that The Kiddo wasn't being raised by daycare.

It took 4 years to get a 2-year degree, but I did it!

After Kiddo was born, we were still maritally active, but it was much less frequently, as is normal. Many of our vacations were "Baby Free" solely so we could have some alone time.

Didn't EVERYONE get GlamourShots™ with their babies?

We moved to a nice apartment in 2000, when I got a job (and then stepped down) as a General Manager of a FroYo shop at the local hospital. After I left, I got a great job - a big girl job! - at the same hospital. I stayed there for 4 years, and during that time, we moved in to the house we bought a few years later.

There was a LOT of family drama in 2004 and it was hell. It started in January and didn't end until Thanksgiving. In April, I was fired from my job at the hospital. I was unemployed for a few months, until I found a new job (via a temp agency) with a local construction company. I had to deal with losing my job and finding a new job, all while dealing with The Year That Shall Not Be Spoken Of. I drifted away from Hubby, simply trying to keep myself together. I began smoking again (after quitting a few years earlier). I ate way too much and put on a lot of weight. It took a long time to heal from 2004. (Sometimes I feel like I still haven't).

Formal Night on a cruise in 2005

After 2006, the Kiddo was old enough to go on vacations with us, so Hubby and I lost our alone time in that regard. He lost his spark. I lost my spark. We went to see family in the fall of 2006, and then went to Chimney Rock in North Carolina. Hiking - and failing - changed me a lot. 

We take the same photo at the South Carolina Welcome Sign every single time we go north

After that trip, I decided it was time to quit smoking, get off Depo (birth control) and take care of myself. My doctor prescribed Zyban (a type of anti-depressant) to assist me in quitting smoking. One side effect was that it made me very... amorous. Hubby was a huge fan of that. Once I quit smoking, I stopped the Zyban, and I was back to my normal - unhappy - self. Perhaps I should have asked my doc to keep me on them... but I never even thought about it, because, at the time, I didn't see anything wrong with myself.

South Carolina kissy-face in 2006

In 2009, recession hurt the construction industry, and I was laid off, along with 11 other people in our very small company. I was unemployed for over a year. I was miserable. I sank deeper into myself, wallowing in all of my misery. I spent all day looking for a job, and then being pissed when I woke up the next day and realized it was another day without a job. I'm a person who likes to work. I don't like to sit on the couch and eat Doritos. I made it my job to find a job. It was very, very difficult, and again, I fell within myself. I didn't care about anything. Why should I shower? I don't have a job. Why should I get a haircut? I don't have a job. Why should I exercise? I don't have a job.Why should I love anyone else? I'm not worthy of love if I can't even get a job at McDonald's!

I found my current job in September 2010 and just as I felt the boat level off beneath us, my mother-in-law passed away in November. Hubby is the only child of a single mother... He lost his entire world.

One of the last times we were altogether

Throughout these years (this decade), he and I moved apart. We both blamed "real life" and "conflicting schedules." There would be stretches of months - hell, YEARS - where we did little besides hug each other. There was no cuddling on the couch, or spooning in bed. No little butt touches as we passed in the hallway. "I love you" was not a phrase I uttered frequently. I still loved him, but it was never expressed.

Celebrating our daughter's graduation in 2016

In 2016, we took one of our first Baby Free trips in years, for me to go run the St. Augustine half marathon. Hubby wanted to... you, know... but all I wanted to do was unpack and go to lunch. I was impatient with him, and I know it wasn't nearly the greatest experience it could have been. In 2017, it was the same thing... I noticed it that time though, and had words with myself... but I didn't do anything about it.

In January of 2018, we went to Celebration Half Marathon. It was the same feeling... yeah, yeah, yeah... let's do it so I can hang up my shirt and go get a cheeseburger.

But then something happened...

Well, yeah, that happened, but it was afterward. I slowed down and relaxed. We cuddled. Neither one of us rushed to put our clothes back on, or go to the bathroom, or whatever... we laid there, skin to skin, and just talked. About nothing. About everything. We were there for over 3 hours, just enjoying each other like we hadn't done in years. Eventually, we went to The Magic Kingdom and watched fireworks and snuggled on the ferry. I realized that night that I needed to change. Something within my was broken, an I needed to fix it.

Disney World - 2010

I told myself that I needed to hug him, to touch him, to say "I love you" every single day. I couldn't take advantage of him. If I continued to treat him the way I had, I would be causing irreparable damage to my marriage, and I loved him too much to let that happen.

New Smyrna Beach - 2007

I decided I needed to make a grand gesture. Gasparilla race weekend was coming up, so I planned a very... adult... weekend. It was all a secret. But, one morning, as we laid in bed, curled against each other, I explained why I changed. I explained that I drifted. I explained that I couldn't pinpoint when or why I drifted, but I've returned.

He kissed me on the forehead and simply said, "Welcome back." He said that he'd seen the drift happening, and let it happen. Looking at me, he saw that I was working hard to take care of myself, and he knew I'd make my way back. How he could say that with such confidence, I don't know... That he stood next to me, even when I didn't see him there, made my heart swell.

Our trip to Tampa was spectacular, and something we've needed for a long time.

Oh the stories I could tell! Tampa, 2018

In May, my cousin was getting married, so I decided that we should go. I'm not a huge wedding person, but I wanted to see my entire family together. And I wanted more alone time with my husband. I found a beautiful dress to wear. I surprised him by playing "Our Song" in earbuds while we danced. I wore my engagement ring again, probably the first time since the turn of the century.

I'm happy again. I feel joy in my life again. I feel like I'm a part of this marriage again. Looking back to how I was for over half of our time together makes me sad, realizing how much I missed.

I forgot how much I loved him, until it was almost too late.

Hula Hustle 5k Race Report

 This is going to be a short recap...

For those of you who don't know, I generally will do an outline of a blog post and then come back and write it up a few days later. While I was driving around Jax after the race, I had the great idea of making a voice recording as an outline, while it was still fresh in my brain. Unfortunately, I forgot to transcribe it, and I moved on with life, doing other blog posts. When I finally realized this post had been forgotten about, I went back to find that recording, and it's gone. I'd had phone issues, and repeatedly formatted my phone (once with my SD card in it), so there was no recording to be found... 

Long story short... I'm trying to remember anything about this race!

Anyway, I'm guessing the drive to Orange Park was uneventful. I arrived and got a great place to park. I picked up my packet and shirt, then geared up and headed back to the start line.

Runners to the front of me....

Runners behind me (including a photobomber!)

Start line selfie!

Because of some road work on River Road, the course had been altered a bit. We would run down a side street, loop back, go through the finish arch, and then finally to the regular part of the course.

Check it out! It's Mr. Libby Legs!

It was nice to have a lot of cheerleaders at the beginning of the race. And we got to hear the drum line again.

I love a drum line!

Once on the course, it was a basic out and back.

Damn straight!

Meh... my time doesn't suck

I thought we'd turn around here (the aforementioned road work), but we went past the sign.

Oh... we keep going?

Hey sexy legs, how you doin'?

Eventually, we found more Road Closed signs, and we turned around at one of them.

Okay, now we turn around!

I love out and backs because I can see who's still behind me, without me having to physically turn around and look.

Not Fast, but Not Last

Mile 2... Still around 17mm

Mile 3... I slowed down

Right after Mile 3, you can see the finish line through the trees. I'm so ready to finish, though I feel really good!

Almost there!

My official time was 54:41. I think it's the slowest I've run this course (or the normal variation of the course). I finished 533rd out of 611 total runners, and 53rd out of 57 F40-44.

Finished!

I didn't stick around for the awards or the costume contest. I grabbed a few snacks from their awesome snack table, though, and headed out to a gas station to change clothes. After changing, I hit the Chick-fil-A drive through for a dozen nuggets and some lemonade, before I trucked it over to IKEA for a new nightstand.

Moooooooo-ve up to order

We've finally decided to upgrade from our Queen innerspring mattress (that we bought in 2003 from a cheap-o mattress store) to a grand King size memory foam bed. As such, we needed new furniture. I knew I wanted to upgrade my nightstand - I've been using a Salvation Army upcycled desk as a table, well, since 2003.

After going back and forth between MALM and HEMNES, I went with MALM because it had cleaner lines. I purchased a 3-drawer chest, which will be slightly less wide than my current desk/nightstand, but give me much more storage.

MALM 3-Drawer Chest

I also purchased a PROJS clear deskpad - originally to put on my desk at work - but it actually was perfect for the nightstand. Okay, it's not quite wide enough to completely cover the top, but it covers all the parts that I can reach from bed, so it will keep the top of the chest clean from spilled drinks, lotion, etc. I'm okay with that!

Desk Pad

I also found these great drawer dividers (it's IKEA, of course they have organization!), and I purchased 2 sets of 6 boxes. I don't know yet how I'm going to use them, but they're going in the dresser!

SKUBB Boxes (Squares, Rectangles, Small Squares)

On my way out, I picked up a TOLSBY 2-sided picture frame to use in my office at work. On one side, I put a photo of me, my mom, and my daughter (3 generations of awesome) at Disney, while on the other side was a photo of Hubby that I took while we were in Tampa a few months ago (yeah... that trip... <winky face> ...)

TOLSBY Photo Frame

I was able to get all of that for about $150 or so! I love IKEA!

After gas and snacks at Wawa, I was on my way home.

And THAT is why I Publicly Shame You - Star Wars Weekend Race Volunteering Report 2018

It's time for another Disney Volunteering Report!

This was the second of the year, Star Wars Weekend 2018.

I was up by 7:30, and chilled out after my shower. Once we packed up, and snacked up, we were on the road by 9:30. We grabbed lunch on the road at an Arby's, and ate on the way down.

With this being a much smaller race, the Volunteer check-in area was upstairs, in the smaller area. We checked in and got our credentials for the two races, and then hung out, eating our snacks.

Large Volunteer Space (Credentials way in the back there)

Healthy snack of Little Debbie Donut Sticks and Pepsi!

At one point, I realized that they were doing things a little differently, and we had to go check in with the Team Leaders. When we did that, we discovered that Hubby was doing something different than I was... whoops. I think the Kiddo and I were gEAR volunteers, while he was just "Expo Volunteer." Oh well. She and I headed over to shirts, while he was "Kessel Run Check-In Volunteer" (he said it was a lot of fun!).

Expo Check In, Shirts, Snacks

At gEAR, there were a lot of people already there, so the Kiddo and I were assigned as "floaters." At first, I kind of just stood around, helping people figure out where they needed to go, but that was pretty useless. I ended up spending a lot of time chatting with fellow volunteers. 

Kathleen, Michelle, Nick, The Kiddo

I would walk up and down the row of volunteers every little bit and see if anyone wanted a break, if they wanted a snack, but really, I felt like I was just wasting time.

Nick, a l'il cutie patootie was at Shirt Exchange, but he was miserable. There was another volunteer there - Cathy - who is like the worst kind of volunteer. The kind who thinks they know everything there can ever possibly be known about volunteering since the dawn of time, and must tell you how to do everything. No matter what Nick did or said, she would correct him, or try to give him some motherly advice. She was just shy of calling him sweetie, like he was her grandkid. I felt so bad for him, that I eventually came and inserted myself between him and her, to act as a buffer.

At one point, a guy came up to pick up his shirt. He then proceeded to take off his own shirt and try on the new shirt, bare-chested. Now, I'm not Nancy Know-It-All like Cathy, but I've been told on multiple occasions, by multiple Team Leaders, and multiple runDisney employees that allowing that to happen, and then take the shirt in for trade is a no-no. So, like any volunteer should do, I shared this information with Nick and Cathy.

Cathy listened to what I had to say, then basically gave me this condescending look that told me to go fuck myself. She said she's never heard that, and she's worked more Expos than me, so she knows the rules.

Perfect Reenactment of Condescending Cathy's Look

Y'all, I talk a big game about wanting slap people, but seriously... she was working my last nerve.  Condescension, they name is Cathy. I had to take a walk, man.

And she had me doubting myself, which really pissed me off. I went over to Nedra, the Team Leader, and then Darren, the runDisney leader, and neither of them had heard of that rule?! What the actual hell? runDisney leaders are the one who told me the rules last year (I think it was the tall guy, Tom). So, now I'm frustrated, and second-guessing myself, as I walk back over to Shirt Exchange. Darren and Nedra must have talked amongst themselves, because along came Nedra, telling everyone at the tables that, no, we can't swap shirts with people who do that... Jesus, people! You're killing me!

Oh, but it gets more frustrating. Cathy then catches me by the arm (you know, how grandmas grab you to pull you to the side when you're doing something wrong?) and said that she wanted to thank me for having the Team Leader clarify the situation. She only wants to do what Disney tells her to do. I am ready to poke her in the eye, but I very nicely just say that I went to get further instruction, that I didn't go over there to get anyone in trouble.

She gives me the condescending "Oh, girl..." look, huffed a little laugh and said, "You can't get ME in trouble..." and then turns away.

Okay, seriously, flip this fucking table, I'm so done.

I stayed away from her for a while, and then Nedra came around to see who wanted to go to lunch. I said that I didn't want to go, that Cathy could go. Cathy didn't want to go, because she wanted to go with her husband (said, again, with a "I'm better than you" tone). Fuck you, honey, I'd like to go to lunch with my daughter!  So, basically, it was an extremely stupid Mexican Stand-Off where none of us went until she gave in around 3:30 and went to lunch with her hubby.

Lord, it was so much more peaceful once she left!

The Kiddo & I went to lunch around 4, Hubby was already up there. We ate our sad sammiches, then stashed our leftovers and headed back to work.

To keep the volunteers peppy (afternoon into evening is always a dragging time), I attempted to get the entire line of volunteers to do the wave. It didn't work.

Back at Shirt Exchange, I was happy to see that most people were able to swap for what they want (even though it's not what they ordered... stay off the soapbox, Lazy...). We left around 7:15 and headed to WaWa for dinner before checking in at the hotel.

I got some chicken fingers (meh) and a birthday shake - yo, it was nasty. Hubby got a milkshake, and the kiddo got a Cookies & Cream Milkshake (they like shakes a lot more than I do).

Wawa Birthday Cake Milkshake & Chicken Fingers

After checking in, none of us were really tired, so we ended up playing Bullshit and Cards Against Humanity. We didn't end up falling asleep until 11, and man, that 2am alarm is gonna suck!

We actually rolled out of bed around 2:45 Saturday morning, hit up Wawa for snacks, but I really wanted some actual FOOD, after my disappointing chicken fingers last night. We went to the McDonald's on 192 and ordered a Sausage Biscuit, a Sausage McMuffin, and a hash brown. They were taking cash only because their computer was broken. So I paid cash only. Then we waited. We pulled up to the second window 10 minutes after we placed our order. We were pulled up to the "wait for your shit" spot. We waited some more. At this point, we'd been there about 10 minutes, before I finally stormed into the restaurant to figure out where the hell my food was.  Lesson: don't piss off a tired, hungry, fat girl! (So what happened? They cleared their screen and forgot I was even out there!) Luckily, they realized what happened, they got a fresh order together in about 37 seconds, and the manager gave me a free meal coupon.

Now over 20 minutes late to our shift (we should have been there at 4am), we sped over to Epcot and found our team leader, Debbie, only to be told... there was nothing to do... The 4am call was so that we wouldn't get stuck in traffic.

So I sat down and finally ate my Sausage Biscuit, while bullshitting with the Team Leader and starting the outline for this blog post.


Around 5:45, we were told what our job was. We would work in teams of 2 to hold signs so that runners knew where their bus was. One volunteer would hold the sign at the end of the line while teh other volunteer would stay up near the bus area.

The Big Signs

Hubby and I chose to be Bus 8 for Caribbean Beach, while The Kiddo would be Bus 10, Pop Century and Art of Animation. Once everyone began to disperse, it was noted that there was no one to be Bus 9 (Yacht & Beach Clubs, Boardwalk, Swan & Dolphin Resorts). Debbie asked if I'd be okay working that one alone, and I said sure. I ended up not even having a sign to carry - it was missing! So, it was just me and my Disney Voice™.

See that bus behind the guy with the ponytail? Waaaaaaaay over there? That's Bus 10

My view for the next few hours

And then, we just waited for runners to show up. I worked well with my Disney Cast Member Al (Alfred?). We'd count out 50 people and then start a second line. Buses would come by every 5 minutes or so (later, as the morning went on).

Awesome Al!

The morning went by fast, and it's a super-easy volunteer job, too - you get to see some fun costumes.

Hooters Boys

Vulptices

Leia & Obi Wan

We finished up around 8:15, checked out at the volunteer tent, and then headed to the car. We acually ended up moving our car to a spot closer to the entrance of Epcot and headed in to the park. I took advantage of it being Flower and Garden Festival time to take lots of photos. I rode Soarin' alone while the two of them chilled out and played Pokemon Go at Sunshine Seasons. The wait was about 30 minutes. 

Welcome to the EPCOT Flower & Garden Festival 2018

Ooooh, pretty!

Oooooh, prettier!

Oh, you gettin' artsy naw!

Legs on Soarin' Around the World

The Kiddo was over it at this point (remember, we're going on about 3 hours of sleep), so we headed over to pick up our Annual Passholder magnet, then left the park.

We're some crazy people, standing in a long-ass line for a MAGNET

Since she was feeling the worst, we asked her what she wanted to eat for lunch. She said she wanted cheese... melted cheese, plastic cheese, electric cheese... so we went over to the Golden Corral... Can someone please explain to me why a Golden Corral should cost $40? I mean, really? We could've eaten AT Disney for less money! But, she got her electric cheese, so all was good in the world for her.

We were back at the hotel by 1pm, but, dammit, our key didn't work! I had to trek all the way to the lobby (and got lost, cuz I'm an idiot) to get the key redone... geez!

Once we got back, I got some ice for my drink, updated my blog outline, read my book and eventually fell asleep around 2pm. And stayed asleep until 7pm! Holy crap!

By 8:30, we were all ready for dinner, so we went to Chick-fil-A for me and Wendy's for them. Because of our nap, we didn't fall asleep, again, until 11pm.

Sunday, the alarm was even earlier, set for 1:45am.  The Kiddo never even slept! Sure wish I had her stamina!

We packed up and checked out, since our shift was supposed to end after check-out time. We hit up Wawa for breakfast then headed to the Volunteer area at ESPN.

It was in the new Arena section, in a little side area. There was a LOT of space inside - I hope they keep doing check-ins here!

This table has shirts for volunteers

Once we got our water, our snack box, and our shirt, we bussed over to Epcot to learn about Bonus Medals.

(It's called "Bonus Medals" when you sign up online, so "Challenge" = "Bonus")

Our Team Leader asked for any volunteers who were good with tech - yeah, so us! We were set up at the tables out front. As a runner came to pick up their challenge bib at the Expo, they had their photo taken. When a racer finished the race today, they'd come through this line, and we'd look them up by their bib number. This would cut down on the number of people who run with someone else's bib. Photos were simply files, and you looked for them via the "search" function of Windows Explorer. The keyboard didn't have a number pad... oh boy...

Small laptops... no num pads... this is gonna suck.

Once we learned our task, we were able to roam the course. What did we do? We wandered around Epcot, of course!

We had a volunteer take our photo... she wasn't the best at it...

First row = Challenge Medal     Second Row = Kessel Run Medals

What runners saw as they came for their medals

The first challenge runner came though around 6:45am and went through Hubby's line. It quickly picked up though, and it didn't stop until after 10am. Within an hour, I was getting dizzy, going from bib to computer to face to bib to computer to face to bib... well, you get the idea. And because we were holding them up from getting what they really wanted, they didn't really even care. I know that sounds weird, but it felt like we were an obstacle in their way, and they didn't like us. I didn't like the feeling.

Once we were done, the adrenaline had left my body, and I could feel my feet throbbing! We stood in the same place for over 4 hours (no movement!). I was miserable the entire bus ride back to ESPN.

In the car, we decided lunch at Steak n Shake on 192 (not the sticky heroin bathroom one from last year). We popped into Wawa next door for travel snacks and soda, then hit the road. Since it was after Easter, we had our pilgrimage to Russel Stover for clearance candy. We got 46 Maple Cream eggs, 4 bags of solid chocolate eggs, 2 plain chocolate bars, 10 Banana Whip eggs and 12 Vanilla Cream eggs for $33. I love clearance at Russel Stover!

We were home by 3:30 and all I did was unpack, veg on the couch with some tasty Wawa and chocolate until I crawled my ass into bed at 7. Yeah... 7.

I was asleep by 8:30!