Last year, if you recall, Hubby had an appendectomy. They did it laparoscopically, going in from three places: his belly button, his FUPA crease under his belly button, and the left side of his lower abdomen (the appendix is located on the right side of the body). Surgeon told us later that this was an easier way to do it, instead of cutting him open all the way.
Fast forward to mid-April (after we got back from vacation, actually), when he told me that he’d been having some abdominal pain on the left side for the past few days. He wondered if it was related to his surgery. By April 18, he was in increasing pain, kind of like waves, where I’d see him tense up his whole body to deal with the pain. He’s never been a “go to the doctor” kind of guy, but I was able to talk him in to seeing a virtual doctor, via Doctor on Demand, which is covered by his health insurance. We spoke to Dr. K and after hearing all of his symptoms, she suggested that he might have Diverticulitis – this is when there are little pockets in your intestine that become inflamed or irritated. (Diverticulosis is when you have them, Diverticula are the names for the pocket, and Diverticulitis is when they’re angry). She suggested that he eat a low-fiber, easy-to-digest diet (to give the intestines a chance to heal), and follow up in a week.
At the April 24th follow-up, he reported that the pain levels were about the same, about a 4-5 on a scale of 10 (seriously?) Because of this, Dr. K suggested that he get some lab work done, as well as a urinalysis (UA), continue the diet, and follow up again in another week. We got the lab work and UA done at a local Walgreens, and the results showed red blood cells and high protein levels (3+) I his urine. Dr. K called us when she got the results and posited that a kidney stone might be the culprit (even though kidney stones usually cause pain in the back). She referred him for a kidney ultrasound, as well as a colonoscopy (because he’s due for his first one, not because of the pain). She also wrote him a prescription for blood pressure meds, because his blood pressure was way too high, hitting Hypertension 1 or 2 levels. The plan was to have him pick up his new meds after work when he went back – he’d been taking a leave of absence at this point, because of the pain and all the doctor stuff.
He was set to return to work on May 2nd, but he couldn’t sleep overnight (May 1st into May 2nd)… Nothing unusual, this has happened in the past; he would just take an extra day off and get back to normal the next night. Not this time! He was suffering some serious insomnia that I’ve never seen before. We’d watch TV in bed for two hours or so (up until about 10pm, normal bedtime for us), and he’d fall asleep until midnight and then just… be awake the rest of the night until the alarm went off at 6:30am. This went on for a few days (with him missing more and more days of work), with him getting more and more frustrated – which, in turn, made the insomnia worse. We tried Unisom. We tried Tylenol PM. Finally, I had to be “The Bitch” and I took away his soda after 2pm (I mean, come on… he was complaining about his insomnia while drinking Mtn Dew in bed…). I had to gather all of my Inner Peace Hippie language and tell him that things would work out, would be okay, it’s nothing to worry about, blah blah blah (basically “talk him down” and get him out of his head). I made the suggestion that, when the insomnia happens, he should get out of bed, go sit on the couch and read until he felt sleepy again. When he felt sleepy, just let it happen, and just sleep on the couch. This did work, and for a few days, I’d go wake him up to see if he was going to go to work (never did), then lead him back to bed where he’d sleep again until 9:30 or so. Every morning, he was like a zombie.
During this time of insomnia, on May 4th, his Ultrasound was negative for anything. No stones found. No kidney abnormalities found. There is a possibility that a stone was there and it had passed painlessly. Dr. K suggested that he do a second UA at the end of the month before the next virtual appointment. The following day, I finally had a chance to pick up his blood pressure meds (yes, almost 2 weeks after they were prescribed), and I also picked up some Magnesium Glycinate and Melatonin – I was gonna get that man to stay asleep all night, no matter what it took. No caffeine after 2pm. No candy in bed. No cake or ice cream or brownies. Lots of water. Two Mag and two Melatonin at bedtime. And holy shit, did it WORK! He slept like a freakin’ rock! He was finally able to sleep all through the night, and on May 24th, he returned to work (thank god!)
He had a follow up UA on May 28th, and when the results came back, Dr. K called us to tell us that there was still protein in the urine; she believes that the kidneys are fine, but there’s just a “leak” somewhere. Kidneys aren’t supposed to let the good stuff, like protein, go through; only waste. She recommended a CT Scan of the kidneys, as well as referring him to a Urologist (for the urinary anatomy) and a Nephrologist (for the kidneys). She reiterated that there’s no cause for alarm, but with the kidneys not working right, the cause needed to be found. All referrals were sent as Urgent so that he would be seen quickly.
Even though I knew I shouldn’t, I (of course) hit up Google to figure out what might be happening. Many results said it was Proteinuria, a sign of Kidney Damage. Then it got a little scarier… It could be an indication of Chronic Kidney Disease, which eventually leads to Kidney Failure which leads to Kidney Transplant or death. But, let’s not think about that… Possible treatment includes easy (yet hard) things like changing diet, weight loss, or (in some cases) dialysis.
My brain is trying to pin the high blood pressure as the culprit, but at the same time… my brain is running away, indulging in horrid What If scenarios. Months and months of health issues. Sick husband who can’t work. How to pay bills. Having to be the only one who can do anything. And then Wednesday, as I’m doing dishes, out of nowhere, my brain decided to conjure up the idea of him dying, and envisioning how to tell my child that her father was dead, how to tell my mom, notifying not-as-close family and friends, and everything that comes with that. I spiraled deeper into this treacherous fantasy as I scrubbed pots and pans… Does he have life insurance? Would I be able to keep the house? What about all the places we said we’d go some day that he’ll never get to go to? God, it was terrible! I saw the next 50 years of my life, dreams we had, but without him in it… And then… then… My brain said, if he’s gone, why should I even stay in this town? How could I possibly live in this house, that we built our family in for the past 20 years? His memory is in every single square inch of this house. How could I suffer with that for the next 50 years? But then… I could I not stay? Leaving this house would be admitting that he finally was gone, out of my life, and that I was ready to move on without him.
Have you ever tried to do something while trying not to cry at the same time? Lord, it was a shitty day… Every time I thought I was okay, another thought would cross my mind (He’ll never see the Pacific Ocean or He’ll never get to visit Japan) and I’d have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep my shit together. I was fine in bed while we watched TV, but of course, Lights Out Bedtime Brain does some seriously mean things, and once I was sure he was asleep, I had to go into the bathroom and sob (like ugly, mouth open sob) into a towel, just to get it all out. Like, how do I survive without this man? He is my world. There is no place in my existence that he has not touched.
This morning (May 30th), I woke up and for a blissful moment there were no problems. He was sleeping. I was sleepy. Everyone’s bodies worked perfectly. Then I stretched and my muscles hurt (as they always do), and it was like snapping back into my body… There is an Ongoing Situation hanging over us, like a grey cloud. It’s not a black cloud, I tell myself today. Kidneys are fine. They’re just a leak. It could be something that can be fixed with a pill or a diet. That’s what I’m tying my hat to today.
Everything is okay until I hear otherwise.
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