Okay, so two weeks ago, I had my
very first mammogram. I got a call back to come in for a 2nd
mammogram and an ultrasound. Today was
the day.
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| Well, here I am again... |
I checked in and was called back
pretty quick this time. The nurse remembered me from last time. She said that
she thought that I got a ‘false report’ because I wore deodorant.
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| Srsly - remove your damn deodorant! |
I told her
that I did NOT wear deodorant last time and she kind of just went, “hmmp.” Like
“Shit, maybe you do have cancer then…..”
I changed again, and gave myself
a thorough wipe down with the baby wipes – even though I again did NOT wear
deodorant, as instructed – and we went back to the mammogram room.
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| This mammogram report brought to you by Huggies |
After the bookends of doom, I
was sent to an interior waiting room, where there were three other
ugly-hospital-gown-clad women just sitting around like none of them have their
boobs hanging down to their knees and that this was all normal.
Next up, I was taken to the
ultrasound room. Any woman who has ever been pregnant knows what to expect when
you get an ultrasound. I was kind of propped up at a 45-degree angle, with one
arm behind my head (hey, baby!). She glopped some lube on me (it was kept in a
lube-warmer!) and started rubbing all over. She stopped a LOT – I have a lot of
cysts, and some of them are big. She
takes measurements of them and keeps going.
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| I got to stare at this for about an hour |
On to the next breast, lube,
repeat… Hmmm, she says.
Hmm? Say what?? What HMMMMM?
She says that she’ll want the
doctor to come in for this one, but we’ll keep going….
We finish (we, like I did anything…)
cataloging all the weird cysts in my boobs, then the doctor comes in and here
we go again, more skiing over my boob.
She pokes and shoves and swirls and squishes until she can get the best
view she can and she tells me that she is 99% sure it is a Fibroadenoma. Most likely benign. Very small.
Then she asks – do you want a
biopsy or do you want to wait?
Oh god – the word Biopsy has
actually come up in this conversation. My first mammogram, and the word BIOPSY
has been uttered….
Doctor reiterated that she is
99% sure that it is nothing, and if it were her, she wouldn’t even biopsy it.
She would keep an eye on it and come back in 6 months.
I was speechless at this point,
I could not think of anything to say, logical or otherwise (no snark to be
found…)
Seeing that I was having a hard
time with this, she said that I should go home and think about, then give her a
call tomorrow. I sighed internally, knowing that I’d have time to digest all of
this before moving forward. She left, as
well as the tech, and I was given warm damp towels to clean up with. They certainly do goo the crap out of you!
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| It's hard to see ALL the goo, but rest assured, my boobs usually aren't green |
Once dressed, it was time to
head upstairs for my first visit with my dermatologist. Back at my annual gyno
visit, the doctor hooked me up with a referral for a dermatologist, thinking
that they would be able to remove some of my gnarlier moles.
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| Surprisingly comfy chairs for a waiting room |
I was running late, due to the
surprise at the mammogram office, but I was called back pretty quickly. Again,
stripped down to bra and panties, and put on the super sexy hospital gown.
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| So flattering |
A resident and a student came in
soon and gave me a quick once-over. I pointed out a few (four) that I wanted to
remove, as well as a few other issues (I have a weird bump on my décolletage and
a weird red ‘mole’ thing on my thigh – both are perfectly normal, says the
doctor). I showed them the mole under my arm, and they both went "Huh? What is that?" - That's when I realized I forgot to take off the marking sticker from downstairs!
Very quickly, they were drawing
on me, around the four moles that I wanted to get rid of.
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| Left Side - above waistline |
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| Neck, Right Side |
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| Back, small of back, Left Side, near waistline |
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| Armpit, Left Side near bra line |
They brought in
lidocaine and scalpels, and a cauterizing thingy (eww), and within 5 minutes,
they were gone! I’ve had these moles all my life (so to speak), and I was kind
of sad to see them go, but I am so much better off without them!
Once I was bandaged up, I was
told to come back in one year for a follow up (and more removals, if I wanted),
and see ya later!
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| (Backwards selfie in a mirror - hipster level 1000!) |
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| Back |
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| Armpit Action Shot! |
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