What is This Feeling...?

I haven't had to deal with grief for quite a while, and I will admit that the loss of our cat, Clover, has taken its toll on me. 

Clover Under the Christmas Tree, 2011

Clover passed away from lung cancer on Friday, December 13th. 

Since her diagnosis at the beginning of December, I've felt this cloud hovering over me, sucking the light and the joy out of everything around me. Why bother putting up the tree? Why bother making Christmas cookies? Why bother going Christmas shopping? I stopped caring about all of this, choosing to wallow in my sadness and pain, wrapping it around me like a blanket so that I can hide from the world. 

Image Credit: Can't Find Artist - Shout out if you know who it is! 

I'd put up our tiny Christmas tree and some decorations, because we wanted to make Clover's last Christmas as bright as it could be. But there was no joy in that for me. It felt like an obligation, going through the motions, because it was something that had to be done. I avoided Christmas music, because there was no joy in my heart to sing about. 

But what really brought me to my knees, and made me want to write this post was our employee Christmas party at work. I'm the person who is always on the party committees, who helps plan birthdays and baby showers and retirement parties, and yes, the Christmas party. I loved it, I was like the Monica Geller of the company. 

As I stood in the elevator at work a few days before Clover passed, I was actively MAD at the thought of a Christmas party. Like, how dare they all have fun while I am suffering with this sadness! I didn't want to go, but (like Monica), I'm a people pleaser, and the boss had closed the office for the party, so I had no good excuse not to go. 

As soon as I got there, I knew it was a mistake. Everything that I would normally love in other years, like laughing coworkers, or decorated spaces, or fun games, or someone winning Employee of the Year, I hated... I found myself scowling, like actually scowling, at people at my table. I buried my nose in my phone, blankly staring at a game of Solitaire, to avoid making eye contact with anyone. People would come talk to me and I'd be very short and curt with them, instead of being my typical outgoing self. Some people noticed, most didn't. None of them asked if anything was wrong.

But the straw that broke the camel's back was two-fold (two-strawed?)... I mentioned in a previous post that I was working on a huge project with a deadline. Our boss stood up and thanked my project teammate (from another department) for working so hard on that project. That's it. He didn't thank anyone else. Just Bob. Everyone clapped. Cool, let's eat. 

Even Clover can't believe that bullshit...

I was just so. fucking. done. I didn't care. I was probably a single conversation away from tears at that point - not from sadness, but from anger, and stress, and melancholy, and just all of it. I moved to a different table (closer to the door, so I could bolt at the first chance), and I was just bullshitting with Bob when our Big Boss came in for the typical glad-hand, look how awesome we are pep talk. I chatted with another person at the table, while Bob kept elbowing me. I turned to look at him (which was in direct eye-sight of the Big Boss) and said quietly, I don't fucking care about any of this shit, Bob right at the same time Big Boss thanked me for all of my hard work on the big project. It was like some scene out of a bad movie... I was pissed and seconds away from tears and I know damn well that the boss could read my lips, and yet everyone was turning around to look at me and clap for me...  All I could muster was a little wave and a smile. It turned out that Bob had gone over to the Big Boss and told her that I had done the lion's share of the project, and it wasn't right to not acknowledge that in front of everyone. 

I turned to my boss and said that I needed to get the hell out of there... She was aware of not only Clover's passing, but also all of the medical issues for the past six months, and could see that I was overwhelmed. I'm so thankful for her being so understanding. 

Later, when I got home, I had a small breakdown with hubby, trying to explain to him how I was feeling and how much I hated how I felt and how unfair it was, and after a good hug and cry session, we decided that we would skip gifts this year. Neither one of us are in the Christmas spirit, neither of us had done any shopping... We would just let this Christmas roll over us quietly, and just enjoy our day with my mother when she came over. No stress. Just family and love. I think that's exactly what we need. 

May we all find the level of peace enjoyed by a sleeping cat